shock factor in life

One thing about me is I'm a very offensive person. I make the worst off color jokes. Most of them are something political or maybe is about something fucked up in my life while making a point on an issue. Well it got your attention. I hold to a firm belief that if someone is shocked or surprised then they will remember it. Look at people like howard stern and opie and Anthony. They shocked pissed people off and made them laugh at the same time. Sometimes they have a point and others there's no point and its for laughs. Not to mention having a good laugh about something always works. That wasn't by accident it was done on purpose. Why because they were able to get their point across. This isn't just tagged to adult rated humor. Take Pat Robertson or take the God Hates Fags they do outrageous offisenve stuff to get their message across and that's always in the name of god. I think the reason why this works is everyone nowadays is more self absorbed and out of touch with a lot of things about us we don't have time to know what's going on. So what happens if you want to get your message across to people. You say or do something to get peoples attention and it works it gets people to talk about. For example take this parody song about Sarah Palin. Its shocking and offensive and it works CHECK IT OUT FOR YOURSELF CLICK HERE. The bottom line is I'm always going to use the shock factor in life along with everyone else to get my message across and if you get offended tough shit. Read into the message because most likely it could change your life

The Background and understanding of my mother part 2

So my mom has had this mental illness most of her life. She says it stems back from her childhood with abuse from her father. Overtime she I guess was normal or acted normal. I'm no doctor so I can't say much there. I think that was around her college years. Where her and her twin sister went to the same college. They are both into writing so I recall my mom saying she would travel to different places for writing stuff pretty much to my understanding from what she said it was like writing conferences or conventions. She seemed normal at that point. Why because she was away from her dad that did the abuse so she didn't need to put this protection thing on or have anything trigger emotions. Then I'm not sure if her sister was with her or not but my mom also took a trip to Orlando FL to visit disney world. Well there she mey my dad. At the time my mother was going to college in her Junior year getting something in education. Disney World is also the place where my mother met my father. My dad lived in St Louis at the time working for then Mc donnell Douglas which is now Boeing. They met and fell in love and like 9 months later or close to it they got married. She dropped out of college then so she could move to St. Louis to be with my dad. Looking on it now and after talks with my dad he feels and I have some belief in this that my mom married my dad to get away from her father and also since my dad had a good paying job she knew there was money there. During that time my dad said the she acted normal he knew about the abuse she had but seemed like everything was OK. He also felt at the time that she loved him. So they were married for a few years tried to have kids and that usually ended up in a miscarriage. Until one day I came along and when I was born everything changed. That's when my mom put up her defenses and mentally had a break down where she then viewed my dad as her dad that's an abuser. So she became crazy and very overprotective of me in some ways and to the point I was being brain washed that my dad is bad and evil and he's going to kill me. All this while we had a picture perfect show family where we hide behind religion and say we have morals and values while we actually do the actions we speak out about. Over the years it got worse she would go to church one day and at times slept with a few guys along the way while still married to my dad and always telling me sex outside of marriage is wrong and I've only slept with your father and that's it. When I know differently from me having the grief of seeing what's up along with my moms loud mouth sister that would always say who my mother was sleeping with and of course calling my father and telling him when and who she's been with. So he knew and of course I knew from multiple sources even when they were separated and got back together it was all the same thing. And as she did this she would get further into hiding behind being a christian and that's problem what has always had issues with churches all my life. The reason why she did that was so she can further separate herself from her father since she said her father worshiped the devil I honestly don't know how true that is but both her and her sister claim that. So now we know why she did this and still does. Its part of her mental illness and since she was abused hiding behind god makes her feel protected. So growing up as a kid was hard for that since because I didn't know what was right or wrong or able to be spiritual because of this. That was my mental protection and probley to some extent now. You see I would hear her say one thing and do things one way just to see her actions do something else and if I do that something else myself that she did she was quick to pull out the bible and quote bible verses on how that's wrong. So when your a child and hear your father is going to kill you all your life. You hear your mom say one thing and do another. Your going to be one fucked up child mentally and even as an adult if you don't get in touch with your soul. Anyways her function at best I have to say is when I was a child. I mean I look at her life now and when I was a kid she was mentally best and functioning when she had me as a kid. Now it could be debated that she was able to live out her childhood through me or tried to. Or she was ment to be a mother and that was her life job was to raise me. Or I was something for her protection that she can control to a point where that was her comfort since she couldn't control anything in her life mentally but me. I'm not sure and I can't answer that one. Only her and god can answer that. Now the other issue with her mental illness is she loves attention and if she can add god or a christian to the mix then its even better. Especially since to her being a christian is a safety net for her or comfort zone. Where its like a club for her where she treats church and people that are christian are like a christian club or something. One thing she always uses for attention was hunger. When she separated and me and her moved to Boston and we got our own place she signed up for every food bank there was. We went to every salvation army dinner there was and food places like that for the homeless and needy while having food stamps section 8 Mass health which is the medicaid program for that state. All at the same time having family that was also her blood family helping us out all the time. Having my aunt mimi break her off money while getting money in alimony and child support with cash assistance while having a part time job. So we didn't need the dinner thing and food banks then at all. But I didn't know any better since I was like 8 years old back then. I think that's also a protective feeling she used for her mental illness. For example right now she does the same thing she's always saying she's hungry all the time and like she ate like a ban anna today and she's going to have an orange for dinner and then asking me if I'm eating well. Also she was able to get on food stamps and not tell me about it during her calls to me and she finally one day somehow said she got food stamps and she got a letter saying she had to renew and she's starving and she didn't renew because she couldn't risk her car breaking down. At the time I thought she had her car from like 1988 she got shortly after she got divorced. Then she told me or slipped out that her car was a 2002 model. So she got kicked off her food stamps. She also lives in a multi level town house with a basement because she has a lot of stuff she can't get rid over that more than what she can afford per month. Then when my dad got cancer she was claiming she has every cancer in the book and that every time she prayed and god healed her. Now I'm not dis crediting god but its amazing on how many times that happened. It was the same story why. That's because she lost people because they can't handle her mental illness and she need that attention to survive. Now everyone wants to get her help but like I've said in the other postings she feels she's normal even though deep down I thick she knows something is wrong with her as I know from personal experience I wouldn't admit my brain injuries but deep down I knew all along. There's not a time a can picture my mother not in my life and when she's gone whenever that is ill be extremely sad but know deep down her soul is a good soul and know that I love her no matter what and who doesn't like her. She's my mother and despite the effects she has caused from her mental defects overall its not her fault and if I can forgive her anyone can its now just a matter of her of waking up and her being able to get the help she needs and be able to build new relationships and work on the old relationships she lost because no human soul needs to be alone we all need somebody.

The background and understanding my mother part 1

You know she has done a lot of damage in my life and everyone around her. Maybe that's why as I became an adult I tried never to see her. Yes I was an asshole to her I feel bad since she's my mom and all but the young adult delevlopment years was hard for me in dealing with her. That's also probley the reason or part of the reason why I knew as a child I had to leave St. Louis and probley the reason why I also haven't been back to St Louis and make my home a place far from St Louis like on the other side of the country. Despite the damage though there isn't one day I don't think about her and wish her the best in life. Sure I might go 3 or 4 weeks without talking to her but that's because mentally I can't handle it. You see mom isn't a bad person. She has a mental illness and she hasn't gotten the right help from it. So now she's crazier than ever and I can't deal with it. With my brain injuries and all there's a lot I can't handle mentally. That may sound selfish but its not. Because I'm learning that I do have one and how to deal with my illness my brain injury has caused and hope the relationships I had in st louis is never forgotten and ib helped make a difference in someone's life. But She feels she's normal and there's nothing wrong with her. I can respect that it took a long time for me to admit it. However no matter what she does and admits despite the damage I still have her back if I could. I feel like in a way I've been able to see inside of her soul and she has a nice innocent soul and a lot of love just in the wrong places. The issue is her mental illness took over and it hurts me for me to see her and suffer from her mind set. Its like she's trapped and she has to feel these emotions and effects of what she did. Its funny as I have this injury I've had insight on mental illness from having one myself and no I'm not crazy like a crack head on the street I can feel and have that understanding from those emotions I have experienced and hope that one day We can come together in a way that would be non hostile circumstances or sad circumstances. I can't control her life I always hope now at least that she never feels those negative feelings and she remains happy and healthy despite the crazy stuff that she's gone through. I'm also going to make a part 2 of this on how she was normal and got to the point she is now. Just remember though that someone mentally ill you know or care about can do a lot of damage in your life even more so if they think they are normal and don't need help. But despite their actions it doesn't matter what it looks like unless your looking at the persons soul and sometimes that's hard to do but the soul is what get judged not the person as someone innocent may be trapped inside a damaged or defective body and mind.

opposites attract

Remember that song back from like 1990 opposites attract  you know that video with the cool cartoon cat if not for fun click here to watch the video opposites attract by Paula Abdul and go down memory lane and go down memory lane and if its before your time cool now you know what im talking about.. I've realized as odd as it seems they are right. Take me and kevin we are alike in a lot of ways but in others we aren't. For example when it comes to spending money o like to hold on to what I can for a rainy day and when I buy something I will search online to get the cheapest price. Or if I'm out shopping ill go to 4 different stores before I actually buy the item. Where kevin has the attitude I'm not looking all over if its a reasonable price then ill buy it. Or I get paid next week so I'm not worried about anything or saving because I already took care of everything I needed to. Or he drinks I smoke weed. Take my parents my dad ultra conserve where my mom said she was conserve but was far from it. My Dad pretty level headed my mom not so much level headed. So I ask myself why is that. Its everywhere. I'd say its for the balances in life but is it because take a tornado you take to opposites and put them together. You have one big fucking mess. Then I look at me and kevin s relationship and it away it does balance out the outcome may be balanced but if you take two souls and put them together what those opposites do is balances out the soul as the 2 souls become one. When you realize that you have to somehow get your other half to realize that. So that way you two both become closer on being as one and start learning off each other and start doing what your other half does well then have your other half do what your good at. When that happens you two would really become one. If we can spread that to our kids and loved ones that's one way I think this world would be a better place and for that to set up for generations to come.

picturing an adult life

Every kid pictures what life would be like as an adult from careers to family to friends etc. Some can be very outrageous like say a socialite on a trust fund. And some are more reasonable like a family kids with an average career nothing special just a normal everyday life. But have any of you ever wondered what your parents life would be after growing up. I did. I thought I could visit them with my family at the house they had. My parents would be happily married and be able to grow old together. Of course deep down I knew that was a joke. But I never thought that my dad would loose his house along with his job at boeing get cancer and have issues shortly after his divorce. And my mother getting an apartment and $400 a month from my dad until she dies or gets married as my dad is unemployed at the same time with cancer. I never pictured my mom not bettering herself and maybe at least admitting to herself and no one else. So she can stop hiding behind god and church and choosing the high and almighty road and feel she wasn't wrong and have everything fall apart in her life where she has nothing. Of course its a mental disorder she has and I can respect that as I have one as well. But I just don't get the whole living a lie thing. And making life on you horrible and the help you receive doesn't help you move forward. So that's a whole totally different adult life with family than what I pictured as a child. So now looking as an adult I pictured the all american family. Am I disappointed. I'm disappointed that things turned out in a negative way for everyone. I'm not disappointed though over the divorce and everything like that and even how I pictured my adult life. Because I've learned you have to roll with life. So its not what you pictured it wasn't ment to be. So now there's new goals and expectations that you set for yourself and expectations on even your parents and kids but if those expectations don't happen just accept life and make adjustments to go with your life and hope the loved ones around them do the same. If they don't then you just have to be supportive no matter what the situation is because its not your life and to stress over something you can't handle is something that would kill you over time instead of the situation.

Being Untouchable

Its funny I look at kids now and they are just bold and they feel they are untouchable and nothing will happen to them. Then I go I felt this way and it didn't take me to figure out I was untouchable until I was in my mid 20s. I felt I could do whatever I want and I did. I could fuck whoever I want and before kevin I did. Nothing could stop me. Until one day that stopped on the day I got my first brain injury. But looking back I was doing what these things kids do and I thought I was untouchable. Lucky for me I think I turned out ok. I just hope that people learn that they aren't untouchable before its too late for them. Because No one is untouchable no matter what they think

Can our mental state change or beliefs

Part of having a brain injury is the change in mental state you have from the experience. Your whole personality changes. You've become a totally different person. Take myself for example I use to be a stuck up assholes for the most part. Very free spirited and I felt untouchable. To now where I can't really leave my apartment I'm always looking behind me. To I just say what I'm thinking I can't hold that in. And so on So there's a lot. Not to mention I'm also making up for the new things I can do and the basic shit I can't do. Morally I don't think my personal morals have changed if anything my morals have gotten better and I feel I have a lot of insight. I've also found that when you do have a mental change or mental illness that sometimes you actually do things you wouldn't of before both good and bad. As far as them having moral changes I don't think so. Because you see everyone has something in them saying what's right and wrong in their heart. Sometimes with the mentally ill or challenged that they don't understand a situation their mind state is telling them to do something and they have no control over it. For example you know that feeling you get when your about to do something you know is wrong. Well they don't get that feeling. That censor broke so even though an action maybe what they feel is wrong they just can't tell the difference. But if you sit down and ask them what they feel is right and wrong then they will tell you that same thing. They was doing was wrong. So that's why I say even the mentally ill has morals as well. Yeah mentally ill people are doing things out of the norm at times. But a lot of it they can't control. So that's one difference I hope people will learn in people because if people can learn that the mentally ill are the same as you and them and they just have a broken system. Then we all could get along much better and achieve more with one difference we all overcame