Reflections and looking back

You know I sit here right now thinking about my childhood the good and bad the fun shit like getting drunk at six flags at 15 or was it 14 anyway then I think about the bad like when my mother kept me from having a relationship with my father who lied about everything for her personal gain. Then I look back and say why didn't I know any better and see through the shit. Well I was always getting mentally confused and didn't know what to think. I finally figured it out when I was 16 that pretty much my whole life was bullshit before then. Sure I could buy whatever I wanted dad bought my love where as that's all he could do since my mom kept me from him. Sadly looking back I resented him for it So I always treated him like an assholes for it. So now I'm looking say from 16 on to say 18 and well that was rough yeah I didn't live with my parents and that's any 16 year olds dream and mine more so because I wanted out of the bullshit. So I said fuck you and left. At the time I was going to school I was in 11th grade I had enough credits to just go to summer school and then I could graduate but in the state of MONTH you have to be in high school for 3 and a half years no matter how many credits you have. I was sad I really pushed it but didn't get no where. I didn't push it because I wanted high school to end like most people but because as the summer of 99 came and the school year ended I could almost see into the future to know that school wasn't going to work out. Anyways when I moved out of my parents I was attending school and working at The GAP to support myself. I moved to a different school district and at the time just trying to get through that part of my life. So I had to leave the school I was at because it was just too far So I tried to get into the school in the school district I was living in and they said I couldn't attend their school because my parents didn't live in the school district. So we decided to go to the school district my parents lived in and they said I couldn't go to their school because I didn't live in their district. Pretty much I couldn't go anywhere. So we lied and said I moved back and after christmas break I started my new school. Only lasted about a month because I couldn't stop getting in trouble and I was working so I just dropped out I couldn't take it. Now before you say drop outs are for losers I had no choice I needed to support myself and mentally I was fucked. Think about it I'm 16 and 17 years old and I'm going through waaaaay too many changes in my life more than most people. So I did what I could at the time besides it was only a matter of time before the school found out I didn't live there. So I decided to work full time at The Gap and I was doing good I was starting to move up. So it wasn't bad at the time. Then my parents divorce came in 2000 and it was a blessing. All three of us couldn't take it no more. So at that time it was actually the beginning of a new life and a new chapter for all of us. I moved in with my dad because he was having back surgery so I had to take care of him. Which was cool I was happy you see the first 16 years of my life my dad wasn't a dad he was more like and ATM and I didn't like that So I was very excited.We got to know each other and we really started our relationship it was the best I felt like an older little kid we did everything after he got better and when we weren't working and he worked a lot and you know retail hours. So our schedules clashed. But we made the best of it. Then not long after that I moved out and moved around from place to place I couldn't really tell you why I did that and even now I can't I guess its because here I am 18 and 19 now and I was in my party years I smoked I drank and even hustled it was all fun and games I think I did all that because I was young wanted to have fun and party I guess it was to make up for the adult life I lead as a child. You know looking back those were the days hanging at denny s almost every night smoking weed and drinking in the parking lot etc We didn't have a care in the world and honestly I think we all needed that. Even though we had an awesome time. I was hurting. My soul was being torn apart because I was in the closet. Of course everyone knew I was gay they just didn't say anything about it. Then a good friend of mine who is one of my favorite people in the world talked with me she got me to come out. I was scared all of my life I was told I'm going to hell. But you know I finally just came out and told her. I don't know if it was because I was drunk and high at the time but it sure fucking helped in any case. Then I came out to another friend at the time and you know what he said. Its about fucking time you told me. So when I got his approval and my other friends approval I knew everything was going to be alright. It was such a relief I didn't have to hide it anymore. Even though I was hiding my hookups that was because it was habbit but they knew. Then let's move onto age 21 What a fucking year I was doing porn when I was 19 and 20 I first got into it and moved up from there. Anyways I was moving up from there and that was a new chapter in my life. I moved to pittsburgh I was doing porn and started to do production and all the other behind scene stuff it was awesome I was hitting the clubs bitterly every night again smoking weed and drinking. But something was missing and that was a guy in my life. So I tried not to think about it and in fact I was happy with my life and I wasn't going to change it. That is until I walked into money mart to cash a paycheck. There I met Kevin. We talked got to know each other and became close. He ended up moving to Maryland for a job promotion and I shortly followed. We were talking about it and I was going to move in April when my lease was up. But then Sunday Jan 5 2004 came that changed my life for ever that's when a neighbor who was a friend of mine killed himself. This is soooo fucking hard to talk about I try to block this but there isn't a day that goes by I don't think of him. No I wasn't in love with him he was just a friend that we helped each other out from some food to smokes to weed he had some awesome shit lol. Anyway I was talking to kevin on the phone looking out at the mountains just relaxing. I lived in a high rise apartment downtown on the 9th floor. It was a warm day for Pittsburgh standards in Jan the high was about 66 degrees real nice. Well as I was on the phone with kevin I heard his window slam open and next thing you know he's flying out the window his body hit the building then the mail box then the ground he was dead on impact I think he died when his body hit the building though. I should of known he was going to do that. He said he was moving to vegas where he's from and there's going to be an investigation when he leaves by the police. Well he did every drug in the book. So I didn't think nothing of it. I went over to his house to smoke weed a few days before and it was like he was possessed he had all this writing on his wall in black marker. I thought something was up but then again with all the drugs he's on I didn't think nothing of it. I should of though. Then it was the night before he died. I had a routine at 9pm every night I was getting in the shower so I can hit the clubs for the night and about 8:30 pm he knocked on my door and he looked different I couldn't figure it out. So he wanted to know if I'd walk to the store with him and I said sure I bought him a pack of smokes we talked and he was acting normal for the most part. So I didn't think nothing of it. I asked him if he wanted to go to the club that was 18 and up and I'd pay for his cover and sneak him a few drinks from the bar since he was 19 and he was like no I'm going to stay home. So I'm like ok sure. I left and came back at 3:30am and he was blaring heavy metal I thought that was odd but ok sure. Then I went to bed woke up and left my place around 11am so I could do errands and his place was quiet so I figured he just maybe did a few lines of coke or smoked some weed or something and he crashed. So I didn't think anything of it. Do I wish I could of done something different yes but one positive thing came out of it. I moved to be with kevin so it worked out. There's tons of life lessons I learned from that. The main one is life can change at a blink of an eye there's always a reason for what happens and when things get fucked up in life. It will get better. I don't know why all this has happened it did for a reason and I'm sure there's more lessons to learn from it. Its just a matter of when it will come out and what you will do with what you know because how you apply it will make a difference

Memoral Day weekend and family

So today is Memorial day a time to honor our brave servicemen for the hard work they have done and currently do. A time to be thankful and give thanks to the ones that died so we can have freedom. And of course this kicks off summer a time to be around loved ones family and friends neighbors etc. But from looking on facebook sadly I see people aren't so lucky. I'm not calling out no names but family members are blocking family members on facebook. Parents are dealing with bad ass kids and parents even dis owning their children all on a holiday weekend that we are spose to come together and give honor and thanks and to be there for one another. So with all this going on between family members I ask myself another question if that's going on are they truly family. That's a question I've asked myself all my life with my family. Sure I have their blood line So they are related to me by genetics. But sadly that's it. Don't get me wrong me and my dad are close. My cousin and I who I'm not going to name on this blog we aren't close close but we have love and respect for each other. Everyone else well they don't exist to me as I don't exist to them. Am I happy about that no I think that somewhere we could of had an awesome relationship and a lot could of came from it. But am I tripping off of it No its their loss not mine. If I had a chance to be close to them and know them would I to this day. Yeah I would. Why because everyone disverves a second chance. Even a third or forth as it maybe. As you don't know what's going on in their personal life at the time to have them be that way towards you and vice versa. Its just a matter if the change is from their heart and soul or they are changing out of guilt and the same with you. So since we established that I have no family really then I must be sad and lonely I mean after all I have a brain injury with nothing going on in my life right. No that's not the case I'm blessed and I have family. I have a life partner who I feel is my husband that I love with my heart and soul. I have what most people would say friends but its actually what I call true family we all look out for each other we love each other we spend time together we are happy when something good happens to one another. That's what I call family if your lucky enough to have a relationship with your blood line that's great if your not its truly no loss to you trust me. Now I've asked myself if the people I described in life are mt family what happens when I move. Well you will meet new people that can be part of your family. I'm not saying now ditch your old loved ones for new. I'm saying the more people the better in your life. I'm not saying you guys will always keep in touch when you move to a new place or even a different place in your life or their life so you guys won't be as close as before. But push comes to shove they have your back and still care about you no matter what still making them family even though they may not seem like it. All I'm saying to me and hopefully to you is don't focus your time doing the hateful bullshit to each other. Instead focus the ones that truly care about you if your blood line is part of it awesome if they aren't that's cool to but no matter what even if I get another brain injury or anything else happens to me I know there will be at least one soul that truly gives a fuck and that's all that truly matters since life is too short no matter what comes my way or your way

how a brain injury effects my life and the blessings its caued and the hardship it caused

You know its interesting I've had multiple brain injuries since 07 and well on the outside and again on the internet you would never know even more so since I sound smart or at least I hope I do. But I've learned every brain injury is different some are brain dead some have no memory and can't do tasks some or most have mental issues some can't walk etc I can go on and on. My Brain injury is different. I suffer from Migraines nausea all the time I have memory loss and can't remember shit. Doing daily tasks like laundry dishes remembering to take out the trash even doing simple things like I figured out last night like putting the right size silverware in the proper place. Thinking of the proper words to say when talking and pronouncing words at times. Learning new things is no good you see kevin tried to re teach me how to clean the kitchen and well I went back to my old way. Don't get me wrong the kitchen is clean trust me bleach is my best friend. So if there's any germs and bacteria its going to die. But I couldn't do that. Yeah its hard on him and especially for me because I feel like I piece of me has been taken away. Basic shit I took forgranted in doing everyday is gone. We still don't know the extent of how bad I am to this day because medicaid won't cover the test I really need and we don't have $5000 to cover it. So for me to get any type of rehabiltion or treatment is impossible. My doctors figured that out when they are pretty much saying until I get this test they can't do anything and if anything new happens to contact them. But there is hope when I get medicare in 2 years the test may be covered or when we move to a different state where I can get my treatments and the test I need for treatment to well not get better because its too late my brain injury set in where its too late but to be able to live with it. But yet I still say that even though I have this its a gift from god as much as it sucks at times. Why because its allowed me to open up my thinking to new levels on life. Where as I lack in a lot I've gained. For example I can't do basic tasks well or at all but I can think more deeply and make choices that I hope is right at least. There's other things but I can't think of it now. Regardless its a blessing from god maybe he felt I didn't need these basic skills and I needed what I've gained instead. Yeah it sounds fucked up even for me but only he knows the true answer on that one not me or you. Another blessing is I've learned about mental illness and how the brain works and how important the brain actually is. Which before the injury I didn't give a fuck because I took that part forgranted. Could god of done this to me as a wake up call. Maybe but only he knows and I don't want to say I don't care because in a way I do but thinking about that isn't going to help me now. In any case I've learned from this that means the most is I've gotten to learn who my true friends and family really is. Is it hard yeah because socially its hard for me to be around people I don't really know at least in person where before I never had a problem. In fact most of the time I just want to stay home. Not because I want to mope around because I feel safe here. Yeah that sounds silly considering that my safe place was violated when our apartment got broken into and everything we owned was stolen. So maybe its a mental thing I don't know. Just like today a friend I look to towards a sister wanted me to go swimming well I don't feel good so I'm not going plus I don't have any swim wear or shorts or tan lotion and trust me my pale ass will burn I learned that lesson when I was on the beach in FL and decided to lay on the beach and burn almost every layer of my skin. Why do I feel sick maybe its mentally this time where I'm going to be around people I don't know maybe I am sick I don't know. It sounds silly I know but when you are mugged and robbed twice get a brain injury both times get your house broken into have everything in the apartment taken from you and get robbed another time at gunpoint then maybe socially it does fuck someone up and the thought of public places makes me sick. But in any case I'm still blessed and new things have come into my life despite the bullshit that has happened. What does my future hold honestly I don't know hopefully something or maybe its nothing that I feel is important but it made a difference and brought good to the world. Which honestly that's all that matters after everything is said and done.

Differences in todays world

You know I often question religion and today's society along with being gay and being spiritual. Now usually I make fun of crazy outrageous religious shit on facebook but not here and not today. Sometimes I question myself on being gay and what the bible says on that and not just the bible but any religion for that matter and here's what my conclusion is on that based on me being spiritual and my thoughts with god. That is God made the earth the animals and people that includes who people are today and how they are born and programmed. Animals throughout time have had gay sex even when gods prophets came down to earth it just isn't really mentioned now I'm not saying we are animals I'm saying its a fact of like on how everything in the world works. Back in the day we can say oh 1700s 1800s etc there was gay people well it was undercover for many reasons based on religion which is fine that's ok for the time they lived in and how things were. But also back then the world isn't as populated as the world is today. With that said I feel that there's more gay people born today than say 1700 its gods way of not over population the earth. Sure that may seem heartless and cruel to say but as a gay man really thinking hard on the issue it makes total sense to me. Of course I'm going to get a lot of hate for my viewpoint and you know what that's fine your entitled to how you feel. Just like I'm entitled to how I feel in the same respect. So what do my thoughts mean on this issue. Well it means the world is ever so changing there's more differences good and bad in the world than there was back in the day. Why well because humanity advanced itself as time went on creating more differences more problems good and bad. So as humans advance there will be more issues than say today even. Now I understand in this day in age we judge people and thinks even more so if we don't know about that particular thing. So to justify it we call on the name of religion. Why it makes us feel better when deep down its wrong it seems as society we aren't happy unless we hate something. Remember when the indians or native americans were bad how about how all black people are bad and of course on all gays are bad and going to hell. Those are all bullshit judgments and of course to make things sound even better we cause fear in people. We made progress with the Native Americans we made progress with black people and the hate on those issues and slowly now in today's society we are starting to figure out Gay people aren't that bad after all they are just like you and me they just like the same sex. So what do we have to turn to now how about muslims let's hate all the Muslims and cause fear and justify it in the name of god. Like all the other issues that have happened in the past people will start to figure out that muslims aren't bad people at all like every group of people its just a few that give muslims a bad rep. Now of course we are a long way off of this happening but when it does happen there will be something else that will cause judgment and hate with also the name of God involved somewhere in there can't forget that to cause even more dear. Pretty much what I'm saying is everything in the world happens for a reason like having gay people here on earth to different religions and beliefs. That's what's made society and the world so great today its just a matter on if you plan to let god judge or whoever you be leave in judge instead of you judging before you think about what this particular difference is about and you educate yourself then judge for yourself if you agree or disagree. If you disagree great keep it to yourself because god is the only one that judges someone not you. If we can all learn that in the world and actually think about why this is in place for the world and ask yourself how did god intend this to balance out the world and how can I embrass this different gift from god I think everyone on this earth would be a better place

Contrubuting to the Word

You know I ask myself that everyday I mean I live on your tax dollars because I have a brain injury and can't work. I got really depressed when I asked myself this at first. Why because I had hopes and dreams my dream wasn't to get multiple brain injuries and live off your tax dollars. What did I want to do. I wanted to own my own porn company. Yeah I said it I wanted my own porn company. There's perks about it. You get to go places fuck someone and get paid for doing so. Now I don't know about you all but for me that sounds like an awesome stress free life to me its a hell of a lot better thing than living off your tax dollars•. The funny thing is that was one small part of owning a porn company. The other part sucks. You have to deal with legal bullshit you have to have good marketing and ideas to keep your company going since most shit you can get for free and there's TONS of pay sites out there is to compete with. Then there's the health side making sure proformers were negative of HIV interviewing the talent booking travel making sure everyone is legal etc. Its a lot of fucking work just for that 2 percent perk of traveling to cool places and fucking and getting paid for it. so. Then your asking yourself how would you be contributing to the world with porn. Well a lot see I worked behind scenes. I did interviews with the talent arranged travel set up cameras and lighting to even cleaning toys. I did it all and loved it. But interviewing talent was my favorite and I was able to contribute that way. Why because a lot of these guys are undercover gay for pay and everything in between. And sadly none of these guys knew anything of safe sex STDs HIV etc. Plus some guys did porn because they were curious about being with a guy and they can't do it at home. Which I don't get because I wouldn't want my first time with a guy on film but whatever. So I was able to contribute by educating these guys on safe sex I was able to teach them things about STDs and HIV and I was able to let someone explore who they are by setting them up with a guy for the first time even if it was on film who am I to judge. So I know it doesn't seem like much but think about it I did a lot maybe even saved a life. By teaching these guys about STDs and safe sex I could of prevented them from getting something in the future. Same thing with the guys that want to discover themselves first off they probley wouldn't of done it safe and they started to discover who they are. So doing my dream of owning a porn company would of contributed quite a bit to the world. Then I got my brain injury it went away. Am I upset ill admit it yes I am. But then what if in this part of my life I'm not ment to do so and maybe my porn days where I contributed to the world is over and I did my purpose. So now I have a new way of contributing even if I'm living on your tax dollars. Say it was just pushing someone to achieve their goals such as being a doctor and they found a cure for cancer. Maybe is bring awareness to brain injuries maybe its just to make people laugh to get them through their day So they can find the cure for cancer. Do I know what it is No I don't maybe it will come to me later in anyways I'm still contributing in some way shape or from. Maybe not with money but in other ways that's ment for me to do right now. It just took my brain injury to allow me to do whatever it is. I guess what I'm saying is you can be doing your part in the world now but it can change at anytime So if something stops you from doing your dream you can always do something else that has purpose in the world that were ment to be done now and that's your new dream. But whatever that change is could also bring you to your life's dream after all its just a matter of completing the task god gave you to do for this current moment. Because I don't think my dream of owning a porn company is over its just put on hold until I complete this task. And if. I don't own a porn company that's cool to I just died knowing I contributed to the world in all aspects in life. Knowing it wasn't ment to be

First Post

Well thanks for checking out my blog. I'm not really sure what to say on my first posting. So maybe I should start with what this blog is about. Well we all know I play too much on facebook. But I have a more serious side. So ill be posting things about everything. Thoughts on issues that come to my mind. Things I've experienced and what I've learned from my experience to maybe what I did today. I may talk about my health and what's going on with my treatment etc. I did put an 18 and up warning on here not because I'm going to post porn because that's for facebook. But the subject matter in a lot or most would be for 18 and up and ill admit I don't have good judgment on what's appropriate for kids I just figure ill leave it to adults only with a warning from the beginning. Hope you enjoy what you read and hopefully get something out of these blogs