The Background and understanding of my mother part 2

So my mom has had this mental illness most of her life. She says it stems back from her childhood with abuse from her father. Overtime she I guess was normal or acted normal. I'm no doctor so I can't say much there. I think that was around her college years. Where her and her twin sister went to the same college. They are both into writing so I recall my mom saying she would travel to different places for writing stuff pretty much to my understanding from what she said it was like writing conferences or conventions. She seemed normal at that point. Why because she was away from her dad that did the abuse so she didn't need to put this protection thing on or have anything trigger emotions. Then I'm not sure if her sister was with her or not but my mom also took a trip to Orlando FL to visit disney world. Well there she mey my dad. At the time my mother was going to college in her Junior year getting something in education. Disney World is also the place where my mother met my father. My dad lived in St Louis at the time working for then Mc donnell Douglas which is now Boeing. They met and fell in love and like 9 months later or close to it they got married. She dropped out of college then so she could move to St. Louis to be with my dad. Looking on it now and after talks with my dad he feels and I have some belief in this that my mom married my dad to get away from her father and also since my dad had a good paying job she knew there was money there. During that time my dad said the she acted normal he knew about the abuse she had but seemed like everything was OK. He also felt at the time that she loved him. So they were married for a few years tried to have kids and that usually ended up in a miscarriage. Until one day I came along and when I was born everything changed. That's when my mom put up her defenses and mentally had a break down where she then viewed my dad as her dad that's an abuser. So she became crazy and very overprotective of me in some ways and to the point I was being brain washed that my dad is bad and evil and he's going to kill me. All this while we had a picture perfect show family where we hide behind religion and say we have morals and values while we actually do the actions we speak out about. Over the years it got worse she would go to church one day and at times slept with a few guys along the way while still married to my dad and always telling me sex outside of marriage is wrong and I've only slept with your father and that's it. When I know differently from me having the grief of seeing what's up along with my moms loud mouth sister that would always say who my mother was sleeping with and of course calling my father and telling him when and who she's been with. So he knew and of course I knew from multiple sources even when they were separated and got back together it was all the same thing. And as she did this she would get further into hiding behind being a christian and that's problem what has always had issues with churches all my life. The reason why she did that was so she can further separate herself from her father since she said her father worshiped the devil I honestly don't know how true that is but both her and her sister claim that. So now we know why she did this and still does. Its part of her mental illness and since she was abused hiding behind god makes her feel protected. So growing up as a kid was hard for that since because I didn't know what was right or wrong or able to be spiritual because of this. That was my mental protection and probley to some extent now. You see I would hear her say one thing and do things one way just to see her actions do something else and if I do that something else myself that she did she was quick to pull out the bible and quote bible verses on how that's wrong. So when your a child and hear your father is going to kill you all your life. You hear your mom say one thing and do another. Your going to be one fucked up child mentally and even as an adult if you don't get in touch with your soul. Anyways her function at best I have to say is when I was a child. I mean I look at her life now and when I was a kid she was mentally best and functioning when she had me as a kid. Now it could be debated that she was able to live out her childhood through me or tried to. Or she was ment to be a mother and that was her life job was to raise me. Or I was something for her protection that she can control to a point where that was her comfort since she couldn't control anything in her life mentally but me. I'm not sure and I can't answer that one. Only her and god can answer that. Now the other issue with her mental illness is she loves attention and if she can add god or a christian to the mix then its even better. Especially since to her being a christian is a safety net for her or comfort zone. Where its like a club for her where she treats church and people that are christian are like a christian club or something. One thing she always uses for attention was hunger. When she separated and me and her moved to Boston and we got our own place she signed up for every food bank there was. We went to every salvation army dinner there was and food places like that for the homeless and needy while having food stamps section 8 Mass health which is the medicaid program for that state. All at the same time having family that was also her blood family helping us out all the time. Having my aunt mimi break her off money while getting money in alimony and child support with cash assistance while having a part time job. So we didn't need the dinner thing and food banks then at all. But I didn't know any better since I was like 8 years old back then. I think that's also a protective feeling she used for her mental illness. For example right now she does the same thing she's always saying she's hungry all the time and like she ate like a ban anna today and she's going to have an orange for dinner and then asking me if I'm eating well. Also she was able to get on food stamps and not tell me about it during her calls to me and she finally one day somehow said she got food stamps and she got a letter saying she had to renew and she's starving and she didn't renew because she couldn't risk her car breaking down. At the time I thought she had her car from like 1988 she got shortly after she got divorced. Then she told me or slipped out that her car was a 2002 model. So she got kicked off her food stamps. She also lives in a multi level town house with a basement because she has a lot of stuff she can't get rid over that more than what she can afford per month. Then when my dad got cancer she was claiming she has every cancer in the book and that every time she prayed and god healed her. Now I'm not dis crediting god but its amazing on how many times that happened. It was the same story why. That's because she lost people because they can't handle her mental illness and she need that attention to survive. Now everyone wants to get her help but like I've said in the other postings she feels she's normal even though deep down I thick she knows something is wrong with her as I know from personal experience I wouldn't admit my brain injuries but deep down I knew all along. There's not a time a can picture my mother not in my life and when she's gone whenever that is ill be extremely sad but know deep down her soul is a good soul and know that I love her no matter what and who doesn't like her. She's my mother and despite the effects she has caused from her mental defects overall its not her fault and if I can forgive her anyone can its now just a matter of her of waking up and her being able to get the help she needs and be able to build new relationships and work on the old relationships she lost because no human soul needs to be alone we all need somebody.

The background and understanding my mother part 1

You know she has done a lot of damage in my life and everyone around her. Maybe that's why as I became an adult I tried never to see her. Yes I was an asshole to her I feel bad since she's my mom and all but the young adult delevlopment years was hard for me in dealing with her. That's also probley the reason or part of the reason why I knew as a child I had to leave St. Louis and probley the reason why I also haven't been back to St Louis and make my home a place far from St Louis like on the other side of the country. Despite the damage though there isn't one day I don't think about her and wish her the best in life. Sure I might go 3 or 4 weeks without talking to her but that's because mentally I can't handle it. You see mom isn't a bad person. She has a mental illness and she hasn't gotten the right help from it. So now she's crazier than ever and I can't deal with it. With my brain injuries and all there's a lot I can't handle mentally. That may sound selfish but its not. Because I'm learning that I do have one and how to deal with my illness my brain injury has caused and hope the relationships I had in st louis is never forgotten and ib helped make a difference in someone's life. But She feels she's normal and there's nothing wrong with her. I can respect that it took a long time for me to admit it. However no matter what she does and admits despite the damage I still have her back if I could. I feel like in a way I've been able to see inside of her soul and she has a nice innocent soul and a lot of love just in the wrong places. The issue is her mental illness took over and it hurts me for me to see her and suffer from her mind set. Its like she's trapped and she has to feel these emotions and effects of what she did. Its funny as I have this injury I've had insight on mental illness from having one myself and no I'm not crazy like a crack head on the street I can feel and have that understanding from those emotions I have experienced and hope that one day We can come together in a way that would be non hostile circumstances or sad circumstances. I can't control her life I always hope now at least that she never feels those negative feelings and she remains happy and healthy despite the crazy stuff that she's gone through. I'm also going to make a part 2 of this on how she was normal and got to the point she is now. Just remember though that someone mentally ill you know or care about can do a lot of damage in your life even more so if they think they are normal and don't need help. But despite their actions it doesn't matter what it looks like unless your looking at the persons soul and sometimes that's hard to do but the soul is what get judged not the person as someone innocent may be trapped inside a damaged or defective body and mind.

opposites attract

Remember that song back from like 1990 opposites attract  you know that video with the cool cartoon cat if not for fun click here to watch the video opposites attract by Paula Abdul and go down memory lane and go down memory lane and if its before your time cool now you know what im talking about.. I've realized as odd as it seems they are right. Take me and kevin we are alike in a lot of ways but in others we aren't. For example when it comes to spending money o like to hold on to what I can for a rainy day and when I buy something I will search online to get the cheapest price. Or if I'm out shopping ill go to 4 different stores before I actually buy the item. Where kevin has the attitude I'm not looking all over if its a reasonable price then ill buy it. Or I get paid next week so I'm not worried about anything or saving because I already took care of everything I needed to. Or he drinks I smoke weed. Take my parents my dad ultra conserve where my mom said she was conserve but was far from it. My Dad pretty level headed my mom not so much level headed. So I ask myself why is that. Its everywhere. I'd say its for the balances in life but is it because take a tornado you take to opposites and put them together. You have one big fucking mess. Then I look at me and kevin s relationship and it away it does balance out the outcome may be balanced but if you take two souls and put them together what those opposites do is balances out the soul as the 2 souls become one. When you realize that you have to somehow get your other half to realize that. So that way you two both become closer on being as one and start learning off each other and start doing what your other half does well then have your other half do what your good at. When that happens you two would really become one. If we can spread that to our kids and loved ones that's one way I think this world would be a better place and for that to set up for generations to come.

picturing an adult life

Every kid pictures what life would be like as an adult from careers to family to friends etc. Some can be very outrageous like say a socialite on a trust fund. And some are more reasonable like a family kids with an average career nothing special just a normal everyday life. But have any of you ever wondered what your parents life would be after growing up. I did. I thought I could visit them with my family at the house they had. My parents would be happily married and be able to grow old together. Of course deep down I knew that was a joke. But I never thought that my dad would loose his house along with his job at boeing get cancer and have issues shortly after his divorce. And my mother getting an apartment and $400 a month from my dad until she dies or gets married as my dad is unemployed at the same time with cancer. I never pictured my mom not bettering herself and maybe at least admitting to herself and no one else. So she can stop hiding behind god and church and choosing the high and almighty road and feel she wasn't wrong and have everything fall apart in her life where she has nothing. Of course its a mental disorder she has and I can respect that as I have one as well. But I just don't get the whole living a lie thing. And making life on you horrible and the help you receive doesn't help you move forward. So that's a whole totally different adult life with family than what I pictured as a child. So now looking as an adult I pictured the all american family. Am I disappointed. I'm disappointed that things turned out in a negative way for everyone. I'm not disappointed though over the divorce and everything like that and even how I pictured my adult life. Because I've learned you have to roll with life. So its not what you pictured it wasn't ment to be. So now there's new goals and expectations that you set for yourself and expectations on even your parents and kids but if those expectations don't happen just accept life and make adjustments to go with your life and hope the loved ones around them do the same. If they don't then you just have to be supportive no matter what the situation is because its not your life and to stress over something you can't handle is something that would kill you over time instead of the situation.

Being Untouchable

Its funny I look at kids now and they are just bold and they feel they are untouchable and nothing will happen to them. Then I go I felt this way and it didn't take me to figure out I was untouchable until I was in my mid 20s. I felt I could do whatever I want and I did. I could fuck whoever I want and before kevin I did. Nothing could stop me. Until one day that stopped on the day I got my first brain injury. But looking back I was doing what these things kids do and I thought I was untouchable. Lucky for me I think I turned out ok. I just hope that people learn that they aren't untouchable before its too late for them. Because No one is untouchable no matter what they think

Can our mental state change or beliefs

Part of having a brain injury is the change in mental state you have from the experience. Your whole personality changes. You've become a totally different person. Take myself for example I use to be a stuck up assholes for the most part. Very free spirited and I felt untouchable. To now where I can't really leave my apartment I'm always looking behind me. To I just say what I'm thinking I can't hold that in. And so on So there's a lot. Not to mention I'm also making up for the new things I can do and the basic shit I can't do. Morally I don't think my personal morals have changed if anything my morals have gotten better and I feel I have a lot of insight. I've also found that when you do have a mental change or mental illness that sometimes you actually do things you wouldn't of before both good and bad. As far as them having moral changes I don't think so. Because you see everyone has something in them saying what's right and wrong in their heart. Sometimes with the mentally ill or challenged that they don't understand a situation their mind state is telling them to do something and they have no control over it. For example you know that feeling you get when your about to do something you know is wrong. Well they don't get that feeling. That censor broke so even though an action maybe what they feel is wrong they just can't tell the difference. But if you sit down and ask them what they feel is right and wrong then they will tell you that same thing. They was doing was wrong. So that's why I say even the mentally ill has morals as well. Yeah mentally ill people are doing things out of the norm at times. But a lot of it they can't control. So that's one difference I hope people will learn in people because if people can learn that the mentally ill are the same as you and them and they just have a broken system. Then we all could get along much better and achieve more with one difference we all overcame

Role Models

Its funny when you see role models or hear the word role models a lot of people come to mind. Even more so growing up as a kid. Role Models come and go but the funny thing is I had people I looked up to but at the same time didn't take the knowledge I gained from them and applied it as a kid. Then down the line some of them did crazy shit that would make someone not to think of that person as a role model. Today's society especially in the United States puts unwritten strict rules on role models and when they fuck up everyone is done with them and they don't look at the positive side and what they brought to the world. Which is fucked up for me. Because we are all human and make mistakes. But it seems when it comes to kids we don't want to teach them that. If we see our kids role model do some crazy bullshit we write them off. But what if the good in that person effected our child in a good way and our child learned a lesson from the mistake our role models made. I mean role models don't have to be perfect to look up to them they can fuck up and we can go see this is what I don't want to be. Or this person was so bad they got locked up they robbed a store and stole a car and dropped out of school so they are bad people. But we didn't look at the inside of that person and go wait this person did this but he's now a successful lawyer now with a family. I guess that's why I never really had a role model because I never understood any of that. I know I'm no role model and I don't ever think ill be one if I am great but if I'm not its expected that I'm not a good influence and let's face it for the most part I'm not the best influence or have the best morals in life that would be up to the standards of society. But I do have the life experiences to share to the world. So other people don't make the same mistakes as I did. Or the life experiences to make it through something that maybe your going through now. Because to me that's a true role model not those fake ones that get built up with all the hype just to find out he or she made a mistake and its all taken away from them. So if I ever do have a child I think I'm going to show him or her a different thing about role models because looks can always be deceiving and I've learned the people that you think are role models aren't but the people you don't think are role models and until we get that understanding in life there will be a lot of people with a misunderstanding about life that could cause them not to move forward. I've seen that happen. So my take is don't have any role models you be your own role model and if you have one great its always good to have someone to look up to but just don't look up to that person too much because after all we all are human and make mistakes. So if a role model makes a mistake that's normal but a true role model will admit their mistakes and move forward instead of hiding their mistakes just to keep that title.

The Facebook age

I often look back at old movies from the 80s 90s and now and is amazing on how far we've came in life. This is just not in personal growth but also how we interact with each other. Every time we turn around we are on our blackberry s smart phone or I phone. Meeting new friends all over the world. That's the good part we can now talk to people globally and all learn how to unite as one and learn about different cultures and get new ideas. But then there's the bad we stay at home don't meet anyone and we just stay to ourselves. I can't say anything I do that all the time. Maybe now that's a good thing in a way. See we are more busier than ever before we are always on the go and there's never been enough time for anything anymore with jobs kids personal errands and engagements. The list just goes on and on. Not to mention that sites like facebook as allowed us to become friends with people that we normally wouldn't even associate ourselves with in our personal lives of course some people may say that's bullshit but if you were to look at some of your facebook friends and judge them on how you would judge them on the street instead of a computer blackberry and I Phone you will see I'm actually right. One day I actually had to open myself up and look at my facebook friends and judge them going would I actually associate with them and get to know them in other places in my life if sites like facebook wasn't around and sadly the answer is No I wouldn't. By doing that it allowed me to actually see more of who I was as a person and go you know what if I can do this on facebook maybe I can do this in other places in my life and So I can truly be the person I was ment to be no matter what is going on in my life good or bad. Because as human beings we need contact even if its through a device like a laptop or phone. Where as back in say the 80s and 90s we would of never dreamed about facebook and how we communate now in the world. For me. I also think for some reason there's a security issue or safety net. You see its easier for me to open up and share things with people I probley never would in a lifetime. Now that's the good part because maybe another human being may be able to learn off of something I did and went through across the world compared to having my experience not change someone's life for the better. Because I beleave there's always someone that's going through what you are or did and they can learn from you just like you can learn from them. The thing I think I need to do now just like everyone else is find an equal balance between my blackberry and smart phone and get more of that actual human contact because in anyway you look at it without human contact you have nothing

my Grandpa

As fathers day comes and goes I reflect on my grandfather who passed away just less than a year ago. No I didn't have a close relationship. Thinking back from when I was little and a baby he did but some bullshit happened between my mom and Grandparents that caused me not to see my whole dads side of the family for a few years. It was totally fucked up I'd tell you about it but in respect to the family I'm not. Anyways I think that's why even now I really haven't bonded with my dads side of the family as well. They see me one way when I'm totally a different way but they fail to see the real me which is fine I respect that. I just can't help to wonder what I missed. He was a baseball player for the cubs fought in the war and that's all I really know. See he never let me get close to him. So I think most of my thoughts are bitter thoughts. One thing I do hope is that he's at least looking down on me now getting to know the true me. Because later is never too late than never

what i would do if I was President

Everyone thinks about being president and what they would do even more so now with everything going on I often ask myself that especially since I see the world as a whole totally fucked up politically. Of course my ideas won't solve everything and I'm not addressing every issue there is but most I guess of course its not perfect and there's probley hole and loopholes in it but this is the basics on what I would do if I was president. So here it goes.

Taxes: Right now as we have less and less money everyday and we can't afford the basic things for the government to run is because lack of taxes of course taxes will be going up. This is how it would work currently big companies currently pay next to nothing for taxes here in the US sometimes usually getting refunds while they still cut jobs and have more profits than ever with most of their money in bank accounts overseas. So I would raise the taxes on big companies so they can contribute to everyday society. Our supreme court has ruled that big companies are people. So if big companies are people and the conservative party wants people to pay taxes then big companies can pay taxes of at least 40 percent to 60 percent since that's the average around the world and they use resources just like you and me so they need to pay for that as well. Also taxes will be going up on the rich. Currently the top 400 wealthiest people in America has more money than 150 Million Americans combined that's half the US population and more people than the whole states population of New York Texas Pennsylvania California Florida Illinois Ohio Michigan Massachusetts and montana combined or the combined population of united kingdom, Italy, Australia. New Zealand and Lithuania. to put in prospective. 400 people in this country have more money than the population of these states combined in this country How can 400 people in this country have more money than 150 Million people combined. Where else does that happen in the world. yet they pay no taxes for the most part compared to everyone else. If the wealthy paid more money in taxes like your millionaires and billionaires of the US they wouldn't even notice that money missing out of their bank accounts. So their tax rate would be between 30 and 60 percent depending on wealth with tax breaks only when they support government approved non profit such as donations to hospitals and schools with a tax break cap of 10 percent. As far as the middle class and lower class goes their taxes would actually go down to just one percent. To be fair everyone has to pay taxes in this country but it makes no sense to keep taxing the working class and get money from people that don't have it. That's like me asking a homeless person on the street for $100 they don't have it so how can they give me $100. If that homeless person had $100 I don't think he would be on the street begging for food

Spending Cuts: We have been spending way too much money as a country which is forcing us to increase taxes while we have to cut spending to create a surplus and get rid of our debt So first thing I would cut is military spending. We currently spend more money than china does in defense and their population is over 1 billion people. We have a fraction of that and we spend more. Don't get me wrong I love the military and our country but the wars have drained us we've been there long enough so its time to pull out$ we have Military bases in 130 different countries around the world so the troops that are at war will be sent and scattered throughout the world. I would also put a stop to the war on drugs we waste so much money on the war on drugs that we forgot about the people that's on the drugs. With that disabled program I would take that money and send it to rehab places for people I would also invest it in education and drug awareness since we all know correct education is the best defense on drugs would also dis mantel the FCC. All the FCC is doing is making big communication companies richer and expand without regard to the public and there safety in emergences. So why should the FCC also control what's appropriate for the first Amendment with freedom of speech So in which case this would also ban censorship on TV and radio for everyday americans to be informed and entertained properly. We currently have more people in prison than anywhere in the world why for profit. So I would cut prison spending because that money can be diverted to education to educate us so we don't do crimes and there's hope. Because education and opportunity prevents crime not prison

Health care: Right now we have a broken system in the health care department. Where the poor and disabled can't get their needs met with their current plans. Hospitals and health insurance companies are playing god everyday with peoples live for the almighty dollar while the hospitals and CEO's are making millions. Why should someone's health be about making a profit anyways. So therefore I would enact universal health care and make non profit hospitals illegal and they would have to become Non Profit to stay in business with government oversight to ensure everyone gets treated. Now I know some of you might not like the idea of universal health care which is cool I understand. So I will still allow for profit insurance companies to run and operate in fact ill let them do whatever they want to make everyone happy I will even allow for profit health clinics for basic medical services for these insurance companies but one health care mishap of any kind would shut all of them down no universal health care money would be given to these for profit clinics but at anytime the person going to a for profit clinic can use the non profit hospital centers with their for profit insurance or free health care on the universal health care plan.. and at the same time make universal health care optional. But there would be a tax increase of 5 percent to income taxes to cover universal health care if the working class is only paying 1 percent in income taxes then they can afford the 5 percent universal health care tax since 6 percent all together is less than they are currently paying now.. Even those who elected not to receive universal health care will still be subject to the tax because the second you can't afford your health insurance payment along with co payment the balance would have the universal health care plan pick up the rest since all health care providers are non profit they need payment regardless.. The universal health care plan would have no denials or co payments of any kind
And if there's a something health wise you need to get don't get or special meds you need just pick up the phone and go do what you got to do and pay nothing as your payment is already taken care of with that 5 percent universal health care tax. And yes the wealthy would also be taxed as well for the universal health care tax because health care is a human right no matter what income level you are. So even though the wealthy could afford private for profit insurance. And with me allowing to have the health insurance companies charge whatever they want and deny coverage to whoever they want since universal health care is in place even the wealthy will need medical care as they will be handing the for profit health insurance companies money for no coverage since they can deny coverage on anything they want now and do whatever their little heart desires. The pharmacy s would work the same as they do now get your meds where ever you want the only difference with universal health care is. There's no co payment So you just sign for your meds and that's it and there's no denial from the insurance companies on the life saving meds you need because the insurance company doesn't want to pay for that drug.

Education: Right now we only currently spend 2 to 3 percent of the budget on education. Just 2 to 3 percent. That's sad its no wonder why the world is growing around us as we get dumber in society. So I would impose that we spend 25 percent of our budget on education. Sounds crazy I know but then again if we were all educated we wouldn't be spending money on prisons and rehab programs now would we. I would also make all schools year round with an 8 hour school day. Yeah totally sucks I know but we need to ensure our kids future. Because in the real world they will be working year round and 8 or more hours a day so why not is school as well. School is a child's career so let's get the child use to a career in the real world. I know there's some issues with kids having to be at school at 7am and doing everything they need to do. So I would impose that some schools work mainly in high school hours of 12pm to 9pm. Yes I said 12pm to 9pm and I said an 8 hour school day and that's 9 hours. I just failed to mention that they get 8 hours of education a day and that 1 hour lunch break doesn't count as time like in the real world.

Healthy Food. Its every humans right to get healthy food and a privilege to get junk food. So I would impose a 30 percent tax on all junk food and drinks. Now some people may say your controlling what I'm eating. My answer is no I'm not you can eat all the junk food you want your just going to pay a 30 percent tax to do so. What would that tax go towards? well I would use that money to give to suppliers of healthy food to make their food affordable for all and have healthy school lunches and breakfast free for all family income levels. I would also ban the use of food stamps on junk food and drinks. Now that fresh and healthy food is affordable and as cheap as the junk food your use to buying there's no need for junk food and drinks. This tax would also allow us to make better choices for us and allow us to cut spending on our universal health care. because people are saying we are spending too much money on health care I figure. if your healthy with no illnesses or diseases then there's less hospital visits and treatments. That in turn would allow us to spend less money on health care. It is a social responsibly for us to not only take care of us but help take care of the world around us as well. So to ensure us that we can take care of our people I will make healthy unused land in non urban areas ment to grow healthy foods for us. Since there will be tons left over and we don't want the food to go to waste we will allow other countries to buy our leftovers since we grew too much in the first place and export them out which would generate more revenue coming into the united states.

Jobs: That has been a huge issue for us here in the united states and across the world not to mention the everyday cost of living. So I would create new jobs and high paying jobs by giving big companies tax breaks. Yes they are people here in the united states and deserve tax breaks just like you and me. So here's what will happen instead of companies hiring all these 8 to $10 an hour jobs and only working 7 hours a week. Saying they are creating jobs and helping give me a break. If they want tax breaks and work their way up to paying zero taxes since big companies want to pay zero taxes. If your company has over 1500 people worldwide including independent contractors since the company could afford independent contractors then they can afford employees. Then they must have at least 85 percent of their staff making $30,000 a year or more in this united states 85 percent does not include forge ion countries. This would be more affordable because with awesome tax breaks and the universal health care system in place big companies would no longer be shelling out money for health insurance benefits. This would also cut spending by the government because we would be spending less money in section 8 and food stamps and programs like that since there are now decent paying jobs. This would also help a business expand by getting more business as we spend money companies make money where they have to expand and get bigger as there's more money flowing in the market the business would be able to expand and make more money. Now companies may say we will go else where. I say bye don't let the door hit you on the ass on your way out. The american consumer is number 1 in the world you need us. So to ensure that you keep jobs here you will be taxed heavily for anything coming into this country if you bring a piece of paper over here then you will be taxed. If that company decided to pull out. While imposing reasonable rate caps on goods and services to ensure you don't gauge the customer. Oh yeah and your business tax is going to be based on worldwide company earnings and if you have say an office the size of a studio apartment here in the united states because you moved more jobs overseas you will still be taxed. That tax money would go to unemployment and government benefits since they are unable to get a job because you moved everything overseas.

Marijuana: I would legalize weed and tax weed along with regulating it to 21 and up. Its no different than cigarettes if not safer. Plus you can use weed for medical reasons. For this case I would use the tax for the weed to subsidize weed to low income people that need it for medical purposes. Weed would be allowed to be grown at home but only if they pay a yearly tax on doing so to contribute to low income people being able to get weed for medical reasons. Failure to do so would be tax evasion with very stiff pent lites. This would not also bring in a revenue but it would cut our government spending by less people being in jail for just weed. Since currently most of our spending is just for convictions over weed.

Wall Street: currently the bankers and stock brokers are taking advantage of the american people and the US government since cities and towns right here in america went to big banks for sub prime loans on stuff like road repair and basic needs. Then just like when the interest went up on everybody's homes So did the interest go up on the loans for american cities basic needs and now cities can't afford a police department now. I would impose strong regulation on banks to make sure this doesn't happen again and loans banks give to the government for basic city/county needs will have interest capped at 2 percent.
Banks borrowed a lot of money from us without any intention to pay us back. If we took out a loan and couldn't pay the banks would of taken over our shit. Therefore every bank that borrowed money from us has 6 months to pay us back failure to pay us back would result in well us calling your bank the real bank of america because we will take over your shit like you did us with our houses putting us on our asses. The money received from the banks goes directly towards our national debt payment.

Social Security: we all need to retire at one point and by the time our kids are older including the young adults there won't be social security. So we will pay it back from the taxes we are getting from the wealthy and big companies while still being able to maintain basic functions of the united states. Also currently the wealthy doesn't pay social security after they make so much money but yet when they retire they collect that shit. So the wealthy will have to pay the social security tax just like everyone else with no tax freezes on the social security tax.

Oil/Energy: We will invest money in renewable energy and give tax breaks for an oil free company or person.

Gay Marriage: Here in america everyone has the right to love a person it doesn't matter if your gay bi straight or transgendered or lesbian. Therefore I would make gay marriage legal. Now everyone also has the right to their beliefs so if your a church or pastor then you don't have to merry a couple its your right to say no. But if your church does any type of social services then your church will help a gay family just like you would a straight family.

Religion: Everyone has the right to worship on what they be leave in that's a part of being spiritual. So the government won't inter fear with your right to worship or impose or pass laws on any religions point of view and it will be neutral at all times.

Abortion: Even though my personal choice would be never to have someone get or want an abortion the fact is its going to be around regardless if its banned or not and if its banned its going to be on the black market causing women to die. So abortions will always be a choice BUT it will be heavily regulated to insure abortions are done safely and the women must be aware of all of her options besides abortions in a neutral way so that way the women can make an educated choice on if she's going to have one or not based on her beliefs and morals.

Transparency: as a tax payer you have a right to know everything after all its your money So if you or your business wants to know anything about where your money is going you will have the right to do so once you prove your a tax payer. Even if you pay 1 penny a year in taxes just prove that and your fine since its any tax payer.

Lobbyist: K ST here in Washington DC is filled with nothing but lobbyist. What do they do they are paid by big companies to influence politicians by bribes payments and black mail to get what they want. Therefore lobbying would be banned and the only influence they politicians are allowed to receive is from the people that is bribe and black mail free.

Protesting: I'm a firm believer in freedom of speech and freedom to protest. Therefore anyone has the right to protest on anything peacefully and also in a way where it doesn't harm other people mentally or physically such as protesting at a soldiers funeral and putting their friends and family through that mental torment.

Global Warming/Enviormental issues: we will put tough regulations on companies on how they operate enviomentally to reduce the green house gases and the effects of global warming.

Abuse of Power: No public servant should abuse their power at anytime for anything. Any abuse of power would result in corrective action no questions asked

Now these are some of just many things I'd defently work on if I was president of course there's a million and one more subjects and issues that need to be addressed But these are just the basics that I think would make this great country a better place for everyone all over the world. Now I know I won't be president but just thinking about it let's me be creative about how to make the world around us better. My plan isn't perfect and maybe you don't agree with it. That's cool I can respect that but most of all maybe anyone reading this today no matter where you are would at least start to think of your ideas for your country to make it a better place and all of us can come together with our elected officials and do something to make a change for our world and children's world

Anger

With bitterness there's always anger and I've found that in my life I've had a lot of anger. From my mother doing the bullshit she was doing to the mental abuse I went through as a kid everyday. For years I had to carry all that anger and it took a toll on me. Some people would say if they knew me 10 years ago I was just nothing but a pissed off asshole. And you know what they were right I was a pissed off asshole. Even in a lot of ways as I got older to even when me and kevin started our relationship. But I've found out why I was angry and that was because I still never forgave and got over the bitterness I had. Sadly to some part I think I do have some bitterness and hate in my heart towards my mother at times but day by day I'm working to change that. I still haven't fully completed the process. That will most likely take a few more years and that's OK its better than me not doing anything. I've found at least in my life that the process of getting over bitterness and anger is one of the hardest things to do and that if the issue doesn't get resolved then it can hold your life back from being the ultimate person you were born to be to change the world.

Bitterness

One thing I experienced about being outted was I was not only angry but I had a lot of bitterness from it. Of course that's a normal feeling of being human but for me it was so bad where I didn't care if someone lived or died and of course that's wrong for me to feel but I'm not going to lie about that. In fact I was actually bitter until my dad called and said he had cancer. Then after I got over the shock and forgave him it really got me to think. Just because there's a fucked up situation is it really worth having that bitterness and hate in my heart and soul. My answer was no of course looking back now there was a lot of selfishness behind being bitter and me just wishing the worst on that person involved but that's all that was and that is dead wrong. Now don't get me wrong I didn't wish cancer on my dad I wasn't that bad but I did not give a shit about him and because of how he treated me and did I have my right for that well maybe I really can't answer that but looking back now I now know he's a human being with a soul just like me and you. So to make someone feel or have those thoughts of the hate I had was just wrong. Of course your probley saying I'm an asshole and I deserve it but you can't tell me if you look at yourself that there's someone in your life that you don't feel that way about. Just like there's someone that thinks that about you. Its just a matter if you wake up and go you know what if something happened to this person would I still feel this way or would I feel bad that it happened. And if the answer is I would feel bad after you look down deep into your heart and soul then you need to get rid of that bitterness and start to figure out how to start the process of forgiveness. And yes its a process I used to think this shit happens over night but it doesn't its a whole process that might take 2 days or 2 years it doesn't fucking matter. What does matter is that you decided to remove the bitterness in your heart and soul So you can start that process of forgiveness before its too late and you not only hurt yourself but those around you as well who feel the effects of the bitterness you have

Being Outted

One thing I would say about forgiveness is life always brings you curves where you have to do so. The person in my life my cousin well call her Becky (not using her real name for her private reasons) Me and Becky were close I didn't meet her until I was 16. She was living in San Francisco. So there was quite a distance but we talked on the phone almost everyday we had that special bond. Me and my dad would look after her mom and check up on her and would spend nights in the hospital waiting room and I'd be on the phone with her letting her know what's up. We shared secrets that we would hide between the family about one another it was fucking awesome. Until one day she be trade me. She was the only one in the family that knew that I'm gay. I was living in Maryland at the time was just getting. Started in my relationship with kevin and I was just really getting to know my dad and I was also dealing with accepting on myself being a gay man. I was 21 years old at the time so I was a young adult also. One day I was on the phone with her and I told her that I met kevin I think he's the one I'm going to Merry. Now keep in mind at that time it was when gay marriage just became legal in Mass and nowhere else. So she told my aunt ill call her Aunt Joan anyways After Becky told Aunt Joan. Aunt Joan tells my dad$ so I get an Email from my dad going in detail everything I told Becky. I knew Becky was involved from the start because no one I knew or hung around with talked to my family. So I had to call my dad and it wasn't good. My dad pretty much disowned me because he feels that being gay is wrong and he doesn't want to go to hell for me being gay and just some crazy shit. So then I called my cousin Becky and she didn't answer her phone So I left a voice mail just saying hey I need some advise I talked with my dad and he's acting strange what should I do. I never said I knew she outted me. So then 2 weeks pass and I still never heard from Becky so Becky knew I knew and she didn't want to explain to me why she did what she did and that she's sorry. So I would of forgave her but no. So ever since then I really never talked to her again to this day. Now it took me years to forgive her but I finally came around. So if she called me I would talk to her especially since now she's going through health problems. The reason why we still haven't talked and became close again is that Becky never forgave herself and when you can't forgive yourself over something you can't ask for forgiveness for yourself. Now my dad on the other hand is much different. We didn't talk for well over a year if we did it was litterly hi and bye a 30 second phone call just to make sure we both were alive. Because of all the hate that my dad brought to me at that point since he was homophobic we had a major fallout. Then one day in June right before his birthday I got a call I looked at my phone and it was my dad. Now I didn't talk to him for months then. So when I saw his number on caller I.D. I automatically thought oh what the fuck do you want asshole. But something told me to answer the phone which I did and when I said hello I heard a panic in his voice and he was scared so I heard something was wrong. Then he said Jake I have cancer and I was thrown back. I just froze I didn't know what to say. Then he said it again and I was like holy shit the person that's always been strong I've never seen this man have something happen to him did. I then felt bad and guilty we had this fallout. So we talked a bit he told me what made them think to start testing him. And he said he was sorry. The cancer caused us to become close again and sadly it took cancer for him to forgive himself for the hate he had in his heart. I could see that from talking to him. Of course my bitterness didn't leave overnight but I was able to allow him back into my life with open arms because he was able to forgive himself to make way for me to forgive him. I'm sad we lost that time we could of had together but I can't look back on that as I have forgiven him and moved on to build on that relationship we didn't and we missed. But to be honest with you even though there was a lot of shit going on it was a relief for him to know. I was going to come out to him and we both agreed ed I should of told him but we were glad its over that was a dark past we had. One thing I've learned about being outted is it was horrible to go through but after everything was said in done. It was a relief to have that hidden secret out and over with as it was tearing me up inside. Also as I look at my life as a gay adult it does get better the older you get being gay. You just have to make it through your teen years and sometimes young adult years to really be the person you are and know life is great and normal like everyone else. Don't wait and let a bad tragedy bring you together it will be alright for both of you. As for Becky if she can forgive herself then that's all she has to do because I already forgave her and if she ever wanted to contact me and talk about it I'm here and if not that's cool as I can respect that and wish Becky the best in life as she will always have a place in my heart if she ever needed me or we one day could rebuild our relationship since life is short.

Forgivness

In my last post I touched one second on forgiveness and was going to get more into it until I realized that's a totally different subject. One thing I've learned about forgiveness is that its one of the hardest fucking things to do in your life. Its never a forgive and forget thing no matter what anyone says. Its about understanding that person is truly sorry no matter what they did and them not doing it again. I have done a lot of shit in my life that hurt a lot of people and even though I know they forgave me the actions I did still tears me up inside. The fact is the person that did you wrong always lives with the guilt of whatever it is till the day they day. Even though you forgave them they still live with that pain in their soul and a lot of times that's punishment enough. For example take a couple and one of those people cheat on the other person and they get busted. Well getting busted is a bitch the person got pissed because they didn't have game like they thought. Especially since if its true that they are soul mates the other one already knew. Now the cheater can lie about it and hope that their spouse doesn't figure out the truth when deep down they know. Or the cheater can come clean and be honest with that person about what they did and risk loosing it all or not loosing it but getting forgiveness for that now that may not be overnight but it would come. Of course there's what some think would be the easiest and that is lie about it and take it to the grave with them. That way they don't loose what they have gained and built. The problem with that is if its confirmed or not they other person knows deep down. If that person loves them they would work it out. The problem there is at that point there's no trust and its hard to forgive that person so if the other person wanted to work it out then they will make the cheaters life a living hell in a sense that they will probley have no privacy on anything for a long time. Then when the trust is built then slowly the cheater get their privacy back. So in the long run that sounds easy for the cheater they didn't loose anything but that's where they are wrong. The cheater has to live with the fact that they lied and hurt the person that's bitterly their second half. They are ashamed of it and will take it to the grave with them. The problem there is without being honest with yourself and your soul and honest to your second half the cheater has to live with that hurt everyday when they wake up next to that person. every time when they make love its still there. Maybe when the cheater is in the hospital and their second half is by their bedside they will think back to the hurt that they caused and so on. The cheater also doesn't know if their second half actually forgives them and if it isn't brought out then I think that it would also eat at the cheaters soul without having that confirmation of forgiveness. That's worse than anything they would have to loose because let's face it your human soul can be a bitch to live with. That's why the cheater would be better facing up to the fact and being honest with their spouse or the hurt and torn up soul will kill them on the inside. It doesn't matter if it happened 5 years ago or yesterday the outcome and feelings would be the same. Bow when the cheater is honest and if the cheater decided to have a heart to heart then its up to the spouse to forgive but they will never forget but never bring it up and move on re leaving the guilt from the cheater. Or worst case they end the relationship. My thing is you can always forgive if its true to your heart and both parties know they may not forget the hurt but the bond and love is sooooo strong that they can both move on and have closure on that issue . Take my life my mom has done a lot of damage to me and in her own little ways she's come clean and have said she knows what she's done and she's living with the conquences of her actions but never saying sorry or stop from doing what she's doing so she still does what she does. Which is fine she has to live with that in her soul and hiding behind all of her religion for the outside world isn't going to help her as her soul is really hurting inside. Now as her son since she refuses to admit and say sorry then I choose to keep my distance as I have no trust for her whatsoever. Do I forgive her for her actions yes and no I'd say I forgive her 20 percent of what she did but since she's my mother and we have a bond I still love her 100 percent if she realizes it or not. Even though the hurt and pain she has caused me has been from years ago now if she came clean and said sorry I would 120 percent forgive her and I would start to build a better relationship with her and build the trust back as she would rightfully deserve as a human being and my mother. Would I forget what she's done no I wouldn't but it would be closure to that situation and we both can move on and that would be the same for that cheater in the relationship as well or whatever the case is. But as you forgive someone remember you can never forget but you can move on and you both can have closure and be able to maybe have that relationship with that person you never had or you can build on what you already have. Because there's nothing greater in this world as a bond of two human souls no matter what type of relationship they have in this lifetime and the next lifetime

The Human Soul

You know this sounds strange but probley because things were so fucked up and I couldn't get a straight answer on one thing and that's the human soul. I didn't beleave in a human soul. But now I know different. Because as I got older I began to open up and look around me. I got to look in the eyes of people and I couldn't litterly see who they were as a person. I can't explain it but yeah and I could really tell who a person was good or bad where they like angels where is that type of person that's maybe not innocent but someone that's human. Not as the type of body they have but who they are. I've noticed as I did that no matter what their background is most where the same the others were evil. But the good ones have this special thing I can't explain. Even if they were the robbers or killers or whoever and that was good souls do bad things even abusive things. But I've often wondered why. Could it be a victim of circumstance or even a peer pressure thing but whatever it was there was a reason why. I think if figured that out from my experience in life is that sometimes good souls get caught up in some crazy bullshit but they aren't evil. What stands them apart from the others is they didn't look at themselves and their own soul. To see how they were. To see they aren't that person and that's from say children to teens to adults. That's why some children and teens for example may do some evil shit. So as adults they fully change. Now that doesn't mean they don't get punished. If they robbed someone then they go to Jail. But is jail really that bad for them. Maybe that's what they needed to look at their soul and see who they actually were. Or maybe you have an abusive spouse and they changed maybe the spouse cheated on you verbally abused you whatever and they did a turn around. I think whatever the reason is they didn't do it So they found those morals and beliefs. So now they can achieve and make what they were spose to do in this world happen. Of course that still doesn't excuse what they did hopefully the other good souls can forgive them if it happens. That's what I feel truly brings humanity is the forgiveness part as everyone makes mistakes. Now I haven't really thought of the human soul afterlife totally everyone has their thoughts on what happens and that's fine. Its just a matter of everyone looking at themselves and truly sees what type of soul they actually have and look at the actions we are doing and if its wrong not to do it or stop doing it. If its good and makes the earth a better place to live for just one person and made a difference in the world that way and then they keep doing it. We would truly have a totally different life here on earth and another life after we die no matter what that belief may be.

are we Hypocrites

I often ask myself if we are Hypocrites on our moral beliefs As a society Because we say sex is bad drugs is bad when it comes to music and TV and we can't have our children listening to that. But if there's a violent song or TV show on. We think that's OK. But yet at the same time we are all listening to the music about sex and drugs. Its not only you its your kids to and I bet you listen to the same music with your kids in the car or at a family reunion. I mean take some of the songs that were top hits like say a more recent song Pretty boy Swag by Sojia boys Some of the lyrics are pretty boy swag Girls on my dick when I pretty boy Swag. Or when the song goes she got nice titties and a fine ass booty. I took her to the condo and let the girl strip then she got pretty girl.dip damn I like the way your mama shack that ass. She girl dancing as I pretty boy swag God damn.  Click here to see the video of the song to pretty boy swag. Or even a newer hit thats unedited Oh My by DJ Drama with an all star cast its an awesome sone CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE VIDEO So you have a visual understanding. Now those references we pretty graphic and yet elementary kids love sojuia boy and that song. Same with the teenagers and adults.. the fact is that you made the song popular from requesting it on the radio downloading the songs and attending concerts. The record companies and artist make these songs because you made them popular. Sex sells so they are going to do what makes them money no matter what's right or wrong. That's business its nothing new even when I was a kid we had these videos around click here for an example. But we go that's wrong why do these people make these songs.  When it comes to TV the top shows are violent. My thing is I prefer actually for everyone to listen these songs. Other than the violent songs$ Because I would rather my son or daughter have sex over taking a humans life. Considering that everywhere we go mow there's always violent crimes. So I just wonder what we say to the rest of the world when we are flipped flopped oh wait we already show that from how we are culture wise. Maybe we need to change that and be honest to ourselves because if we don't its only going to get worse But Ill let you be the judge what would you rather have your kid watch this video about violance or this video about sex to which if you listen to all the words you will see what's easier to control and educate on. You can choose and comment id love to hear it

Censorship

Is censorship that bad I'm watching the news and they were making reference to the pussycat dolls and they said cat dolls instead. I understand that kids. Shouldn't be exposed to certain things but now one thinks of a women's pussy when it comes to talking about the musical group the pussycat dolls. Sadly kids are exposed to more shit every generation. There's nothing we can do but be parents and explain it to them. Quite personally I don't like censorship it takes away rights of people. I feel you can say fuck on the radio and tv for example. I also feel bas much as I hate the god hates fags group they have a right to speak as well. Its our job to take the message and do what we want with it. For example the god hates fags group I might make fun of them I might speak out against their hate and disrespect for our troops. But just like its my right to post this posting its their right to do the bullshit they do. Its just a matter of what we do with the message and how we educate our children not the government picking and choosing. That goes for porn that goes for music that is sexually graphic and violent. Of you don't like it change the channel. If you don't like your kids hearing or watching something change the channel or explain what's going on. If you don't like a protest don't pay attention to it or use your freedom and right to speak your views as the rules are no different for you and me. Most countries in Europe actually allow sexually graphic music and TV shows on their tv. And radio and crime is down teen sex is lower than here its the opposite. Why because they educate themselves on what's being said along with teaching their children the morals behind whatever is going on. Because the protests music and violent is still going to happen regardless hiding behind the issue and having the government shield us and take away the right to the speech it also takes away the right for us and our children to make an educated choice and thought of what's being said which will hurt us more by not being smart and allowing more people to control our thoughts and minds with having our personal morals not fully formed and basing our morals on what other people want us to have which in turn causes the problems we have today

Are we that fucking stupid

Ok so I'm watching Dr. Phil and they are doing a show on Diva Women and smart women VS dumb women. They went out on the streets and people knew more about pop culture than the world around them. I don't see how that's important. I mean I love pop culture and the hip hop culture but I also want to know what's going on in the world and how shit is going to effect my life. From medicaid cuts to what congress is doing because that effects us and yet the mainstream media now plays on that. Maybe that's why I love RT its a news network that shows the real news the website is www.rt.com/usa if anyone is interested. I have 2 brain injuries and I still know what's up. Its not all because I live here in Washington DC. I use the power of the internet and TV to do this. Its funny people seem to care more about Charlie Sheen having a porn star girlfriend than say the pentagon declaring war on cyber attacks where if there's a cyber attack on America that's grounds to go to war with a country. When yet the culprits could be a hacker group or it could be one person and with all these computer soft wares someone could be doing a cyber attack say in france but the IP address could be in China so the US thinks its China we for to war with China and go pops sorry we were wrong it wasn't your government. That effects us because of our government spending our relationship with other countries and it effects our lives where it opens us up to invasions and more war. But we don't care about that. Because that's not entertaining. I can understand the mainstream media putting stories to attract people to the news. But when we as a society make it more important to not care of the world around us and make pop culture more important that's going to be the fall of us and not just as a political level but all levels because I'm sorry I don't want anyone treating my brain injury when they more about who charlie sheen is fucking than the different treatment options out there to help me which is costing thousands of dollars a month

A curse or a blessing good or bad

Often you will hear me say that in a way having a brain injury is a blessing. But in a lot of ways its a curse. Sure there's other people with brain injury s that are able to do more than me since they got the proper treatment and they caught it before the injury set in. Where in my case everyone says its too late. So my biggest fear is my mental state getting worse where I can't do what I do now. I already do crazy shit in my daily life that has people go what the fuck. And its frustrating because I even go what the fuck. Kevin on the other hand gets frustrated with me and quite personally I'm surprised he's still with me. Not because I did anything wrong but because I can be that bad at times and I don't know how someone can handle that on their partner when yet that isn't who they were before. I love him more than anything in the world but often question his love for me. Not that I have any doubts that he loves me but how can someone love me and care for me get pissed at the situation when I fuck up but still comes back to loving me. I know deep down he loves me with his heart and soul like I live him with my heart and soul. If anything in the long run this has brought us closer. I don't want to say I don't know if I could do that because if the roles were reversed with kevin I'd do the same. But at least with me where there's a blessing there's a curse. Maybe if I had doctors that gave a fuck it would make a difference and it wouldn't be a curse. Kevin says I need to embrace this injury and somehow I hope I do. I just wish at times things were the way they were before the injury and I could be the person I was before. That's why I've scared off some people in my life. I'm not mad at them I completely understand I just wish they could of seen another side of me that I hope is priceless instead of a curse

the purpose of life what does it mean

You know I've cheated death quite a bit. I was born 10 weeks early. I've been in some really fucked up car accidents. Well ended up getting multiple brain injuries but the people whp did bit both times didn't have a gun they forgot it. Then more recently me and kevin get robbed at gun point I thought we were both going to die. We were at our front door of our apartment and if they forced us in that was it. But they didn't shoot us. I more recently overdosed on my meds which was a fatal dose. But yet I'm still here. Most people aren't so lucky. Yeah I have my health and mental issues but I'm alive by the grace of god. So that just leaves me one question. Why the fuck am I here what's my purpose. I've often prayed to god saying if you do this for me ill do this for you. Sadly I never came through on my end but god did on his. What does that mean I don't know. I have tons of ideas and wants as far as what I want to do to do my end of the bargain. But yet due to circumstances I couldn't. Maybe god did favors for me knowing that I couldn't do my end but he knew in my life I needed that thing so he blessed me So I can do something bigger and better. What is it I don't know. Everything has happened for a reason the fact that I'm here on earth still I thank god everyday I don't take that for granted. That part of my life I have learned. The only part I haven't learned is the purpose. I feel a lot of times I'm just a waste of space and maybe I am but maybe I'm not. All of you who read this ask yourself the same thing. Its just a matter on what it is. For example take my mother with everything she has done there is a purpose for her. Now fyi I dislike her as far as her actions and I keep my distance from her but I still deep down love my mother. But anyways there is a purpose maybe she lived it already she did do a lot of good to change lives for the better even though she had different reasons behind it. So maybe she's in retirement now I truly don't know. My dad I know his purpose I fucked it up but he did his purpose and still is. Have I done mine I don't know and that's what honestly I'm most scared of is that I didn't do my purpose in life so when I go to the grave and meet god I will hope for the best. I can say this As of now I'm doing what's true to my heart so when I do account for my actions I will honestly say I don't know my purpose but I did what's true to my heart. And just maybe that is the purpose is doing what's true to your heart. Did I do what's true to my heart years ago fuck no I didt I was doing everything but what was true to my heart but honestly I think most very young adults and kids don't do what's in their heart. Maybe that's why I ended up the way I am now where I feel I don't have a purpose. I just hope despite everything I do live up to my purpose and make everyone proud which quite honestly I don't see right now. That's just me being honest

My Serious take on Disney gay days and Christian groups

I was going to write about something else today but after what I saw on the news today I can't so I'm going to speak on an issue that's in my heart today. In a serious way all joking set aside unlike my facebook page So Disney has had gay days at their park and Christian groups have been pissed about it. As a gay man I feel that its not a big deal. Disney is in fact saying we embrace all. So some people may go we don't want to see 2 men together in a romantic way because we have to explain it to kids. Well when straight people do the same way don't parents need to explain it to their kids? Now I'm not going to go into the Bible or anything because that's not my place to do so. But I do know that God says not to judge only he will. It seems a lot of Christians pick and choose what they want to follow in the Bible. Some say drinking is bad but yet in communion time comes around they are drinking wine just like Jesus. The bible also has things in there saying not to eat shrimp and a women should be stoned if they aren't a virgin when they are married. How many christians have had sex with someone that wasn't a virgin. Now that's just a few things of course. But if Christians need to use the argument we need to hide homosexuality from kids its not going to work. There's Gay characters on TV who kiss there's always a reference somewhere so that point isn't valid. I'm not here to hate on the christian groups So all I'm trying to say is the world is made up of all different types of people. We don't know what's truly right and wrong in gods eyes only he knows and we have to follow what's in our heart. So that way when we come up on the time of judgment we can be judged purely what we have done from our heart. So if people feel being gay is a sin then that's fine. You have the right to feel that in your heart and I'm not going to judge or hate you for it. But please don't judge other people or events because Jesus wouldn't judge other people or events ether and he would love them just the same because he knows just like you know that only his father can judge. So to place judgment on other people is playing god and making the world a worse place to live in and the Bible does say not to play god. So please look at yourself and your heart today because your not promised tomorrow

The future sucessful or a failure

So like most people out there I think a lot about the future. One thing I've noticed is not what most people think actually happens. Take my life for example as a kid I thought I'd graduate high school go to college get a nice job and have a family. Then instead I decided to do porn well that's a career and it was nice just not planned until the day. I decided to smoke a whole bunch of weed get on a computer and in me being higher than I am now I decided to do porn. Ill do another blog on that its an interesting story. Anyways then I moved to pittsburgh met kevin and moved down to Maryland to be with him (to make a long story short) then we've been together ever since. To have a steady job I decided to work at The GAP and be with kevin then quitting going to American Eagle outfitters then Back to The GAP then to Lucky Brand Jeans then back to working at The GAP until my brain injuries caused me not being able to work. That totally wasn't in my plans as far as a career goes. I went to GAP so many times because it was my comfort zone as I was trying to figure out things career wise. Then you take kevin his goal was to move up the ladder in his company that didn't work for his future because of how fucked up his company was. So he worked at The Gap that was short lived where he took another job at a store in the industry he was in before. Wanting to move up the ladder being a district manager for the company and higher. Come to find out it changed his mind and wanted to do better for himself So he decided to go back to school and be a teacher. The plan was when we left FL that we would find a way to move back down there. Since we don't want to stay in Washington DC forever. But as things changed such as the education system state budgets in FL and different laws. We decided moving back to FL is most likely the worst thing we could do since its very fucked up there. So Kevin wanting to be a teacher we could go pretty much anywhere. So we both liked Los Angles. So we decided we would make plans to move there. So we started doing research on hospitals for me apartments in Long Beach and also Los Angles. We found that its much cheaper to live in the LA area compared to the Washington DC area so that was a plus. The weather we would never have to see snow again. And Los Angles Public Schools actually pay well much more than Washington DC so with the higher pay and cheaper cost of living it would be better Especially since I would have access to Medical Marijuana for health that it would be perfect and that was our future. Well guess what as we started making plans we said fuck that. Because California is broke they are doing budget cuts out the ass and then to get licensed to become a teacher is a whole another fucked up thing. So again we said fuck that. So now we are planning to move to Las Vegas. Why well here soon Las Vegas is going to be going through a population growth where new schools will be built in Clark County meaning new teachers will be needed. So we did research and found that it takes sometime and class work to be able to teach in Nevada. But its also easy degree wise and cost of living is cheap there so kevin can get a job at one of the casinos on the Las Vegas Strip. So we looked at jobs at all of the casinos like the MGM Grand the Golden Nugget the Palms hotel and resort and found there's tons of jobs kevin could do. So that was a plus. I can have access to Medical Marijuana legally. As far as relocating and finding a place its the easiest thing to do. We looked at taxes and the sales tax is a little higher than most places but cheaper than Washington DC of course. But we found perks like not paying income tax in Nevada. The other plus for us moving to Las Vegas we found they are trying to make that area a research area for medical shit and currently there are Brain Injury treatment places in Las Vegas that medicaid out there will cover that medicaid here in Washington DC won't cover. So we found a place that seems will work out for us. That's our new future not moving to FL. We would still want to be its not going to be the case. Does that mean we failed at planning for the future and we are failures. No people change and things change everyday. Its just a matter of going with the flow and changing things as your life happens. Because I found for myself that if I would of stayed on the same plans for the future nothing would of worked. But if I made plans for the future as life changes things will always work out to where they need to be and are. So looking back if I ask myself if I thought I'm a failure because my future plans didn't come true and I couldn't pursue them. I say no because I have future plans that are bigger and better than before because I was able to roll with life and make changes in my future as life changed. Sure bigger and better may not be my career and its not living in a city like Las Vegas. But my bigger and better plans now is to get treatment for my brain injuries be able to live life better with the right treatment. Kevin being able to live is new dream of teaching while making a difference in the world. Somewhere and somehow. So just remember you may make a million changes to your future but your not a failure because your first plans didn't work out for you.ë

Overdosing

So the other day I ended up overdosing on my well-known its an antidepressant. Not on purpose of course it was a mistake. I woke up when Wendy William's was on grabbed my cup of coffee and took my 3 pills that's 450 mg (the most a body can have) Then about 3 hours later I took 3 more pills totaling 900 mg total in my body totally not good. At that does you can have seizures and die. So I can see why the people at the hospital thought I wanted to kill myself. But that wasn't the case it was a mistake. So I called my doctor no answer. So I called harris teeter where I get my meds and they told me that wasn't good and to get my ass to the hospital. So of course I went scared shitless. After at that point knowing what that dose could do to me the whole way there I'm going please let me make it to the hospital since I caught this early. Well I was also thinking was that also the last time I was going to talk to kevin being alert since another effect is coma. What about my loved ones. I guess the normal shit when they were told the meds that what they put in their body was a lethal dose. So I was scared shitless. I made it to the hospital in a matter of mins I was already in the back on a bed in the room I didn't even get a chance to get my ass up on the bed before they start taking my blood then they do an EKG to measure my heart and did the whole blood pressure thing and they left. I'm still thinking the worst so I did what makes me feel better fuck around on facebook I figured if the worst happens I'm going down being a dumbass. Well then one person right after another came into ask me if I wanted to kill myself so I explained the story and about the 5 th bitch that goes in and asks me the same question said I've never heard of people making a mistake with taking meds before are you sure you didn't want to kill yourself. At that point she pissed me off I was thinking bitch ill want to kill you if you don't fucking leave me the fuck alone. But I decided to stay cool because I didn't want to get locked up with the crazy people in the mental ward. So she left and someone else comes in saying they wanted to admit me because I took a high dose and they wanted to make sure I was going to be alright. I'm like I really don't want to made a few phone calls and I told the nurse if you feel you need to admit me feel free to. I'm thinking please I don't want to be admitted I don't even like this hospital. But suddenly the nurse came back and said I can go home I'm like what the fuck. She said the shit hasn't hit my bloodstream fully. So if I go home take a few pills and rest and do nothing for 24 hours I'd be fine but they was wrong. Right at the 24 hour mark I started throwing up and feeling it all So then I find out the effects can start 32 to 48 hours after you overdose. I'm like fuck I've taken all my meds the ER doctors gave me. So I've been herbally treating myself and you know I feel a lot better. Of course I still can't be active till sunday night I tried the whole going to the store thing this afternoon and I thought I was going to fucking die. So I guess my weekend could be better but I didn't go into seizures and die. So I guess that's a plus. Now I just have to make through the next 24 hours of being sick and ill be alright. One thing I did learn is that with my brain injury I need to take things a little more slower than I use to including meds since I had everything done right I guess. I will say if any of you overdose on anything be sure to also research yourself after you see your doctor because my docs were dead wrong on this one

A book that changed my life and hopefully years

 So this post is problem going to sound like an advertisement. Its not. I just got this book and the same day pretty much read the book and in my heart I want to share it with you. It changed my thoughts on a lot. If any of you bought it would do the same for you especially if your sick our hurt. Last week I ordered this book Marijuana Medical handbook the practical guide to the therapeutic uses of Marijuana by Dale Gieringer PHD, ED Rosenthal, Gregory T Carter MD. Now we all know I use it for my Migraines but there's soooo many uses for it that would blow your mind and as weed becomes illegal I want to cry even more. Let me share a few things on here that opened me up even more so. Take someone with HIV/AIds we know it helps them eat but did you know that if you take someone suffering from HIV/AIDS and the smoke weeds they will gain an average of 40 to 50 pounds and they are 3.3 times more likely to respond to their treatments. If you get bit by a black widow some of the shit you go through is pain muscle cramps and even locked jaw. Guess what cured it smoking weed. Its also a good substitute for people dealing with alcoholism and drug dependency. That's just to name a few of many the book also tells me or you how to use it for what. If your in a state like nevada for example where you can grow your meds then it tells you the proper way to grow it for the best effects and how to even cook with it. Now of course if you live somewhere where weed is illegal you may not be interested in how to cook with it or how to grow it perfect ally with the best effects as that's illegal and I'm talking to those where its only legal to do. But even if weed is illegal where you are I still reccomand this book because this also educates you on something new you won't be aware of. Weed even shrinks tumors. So I don't see how bad this drug really is. It has already helped me so I know how to manage my treatment in health but also give other people advise on it as well if they live in a place where weed is legal for them to use for medical reasons as I don't condone anything illegal.  I'm also going to post a link on this blog to the book for you to check out and if there's any questions hit me up and ill respond. After awhile as I get further reading this book I'm going to write a blog on my progress from what I've learned and I hope you read this for educating yourself on something different. Because different isn't always bad