Reflections and looking back

You know I sit here right now thinking about my childhood the good and bad the fun shit like getting drunk at six flags at 15 or was it 14 anyway then I think about the bad like when my mother kept me from having a relationship with my father who lied about everything for her personal gain. Then I look back and say why didn't I know any better and see through the shit. Well I was always getting mentally confused and didn't know what to think. I finally figured it out when I was 16 that pretty much my whole life was bullshit before then. Sure I could buy whatever I wanted dad bought my love where as that's all he could do since my mom kept me from him. Sadly looking back I resented him for it So I always treated him like an assholes for it. So now I'm looking say from 16 on to say 18 and well that was rough yeah I didn't live with my parents and that's any 16 year olds dream and mine more so because I wanted out of the bullshit. So I said fuck you and left. At the time I was going to school I was in 11th grade I had enough credits to just go to summer school and then I could graduate but in the state of MONTH you have to be in high school for 3 and a half years no matter how many credits you have. I was sad I really pushed it but didn't get no where. I didn't push it because I wanted high school to end like most people but because as the summer of 99 came and the school year ended I could almost see into the future to know that school wasn't going to work out. Anyways when I moved out of my parents I was attending school and working at The GAP to support myself. I moved to a different school district and at the time just trying to get through that part of my life. So I had to leave the school I was at because it was just too far So I tried to get into the school in the school district I was living in and they said I couldn't attend their school because my parents didn't live in the school district. So we decided to go to the school district my parents lived in and they said I couldn't go to their school because I didn't live in their district. Pretty much I couldn't go anywhere. So we lied and said I moved back and after christmas break I started my new school. Only lasted about a month because I couldn't stop getting in trouble and I was working so I just dropped out I couldn't take it. Now before you say drop outs are for losers I had no choice I needed to support myself and mentally I was fucked. Think about it I'm 16 and 17 years old and I'm going through waaaaay too many changes in my life more than most people. So I did what I could at the time besides it was only a matter of time before the school found out I didn't live there. So I decided to work full time at The Gap and I was doing good I was starting to move up. So it wasn't bad at the time. Then my parents divorce came in 2000 and it was a blessing. All three of us couldn't take it no more. So at that time it was actually the beginning of a new life and a new chapter for all of us. I moved in with my dad because he was having back surgery so I had to take care of him. Which was cool I was happy you see the first 16 years of my life my dad wasn't a dad he was more like and ATM and I didn't like that So I was very excited.We got to know each other and we really started our relationship it was the best I felt like an older little kid we did everything after he got better and when we weren't working and he worked a lot and you know retail hours. So our schedules clashed. But we made the best of it. Then not long after that I moved out and moved around from place to place I couldn't really tell you why I did that and even now I can't I guess its because here I am 18 and 19 now and I was in my party years I smoked I drank and even hustled it was all fun and games I think I did all that because I was young wanted to have fun and party I guess it was to make up for the adult life I lead as a child. You know looking back those were the days hanging at denny s almost every night smoking weed and drinking in the parking lot etc We didn't have a care in the world and honestly I think we all needed that. Even though we had an awesome time. I was hurting. My soul was being torn apart because I was in the closet. Of course everyone knew I was gay they just didn't say anything about it. Then a good friend of mine who is one of my favorite people in the world talked with me she got me to come out. I was scared all of my life I was told I'm going to hell. But you know I finally just came out and told her. I don't know if it was because I was drunk and high at the time but it sure fucking helped in any case. Then I came out to another friend at the time and you know what he said. Its about fucking time you told me. So when I got his approval and my other friends approval I knew everything was going to be alright. It was such a relief I didn't have to hide it anymore. Even though I was hiding my hookups that was because it was habbit but they knew. Then let's move onto age 21 What a fucking year I was doing porn when I was 19 and 20 I first got into it and moved up from there. Anyways I was moving up from there and that was a new chapter in my life. I moved to pittsburgh I was doing porn and started to do production and all the other behind scene stuff it was awesome I was hitting the clubs bitterly every night again smoking weed and drinking. But something was missing and that was a guy in my life. So I tried not to think about it and in fact I was happy with my life and I wasn't going to change it. That is until I walked into money mart to cash a paycheck. There I met Kevin. We talked got to know each other and became close. He ended up moving to Maryland for a job promotion and I shortly followed. We were talking about it and I was going to move in April when my lease was up. But then Sunday Jan 5 2004 came that changed my life for ever that's when a neighbor who was a friend of mine killed himself. This is soooo fucking hard to talk about I try to block this but there isn't a day that goes by I don't think of him. No I wasn't in love with him he was just a friend that we helped each other out from some food to smokes to weed he had some awesome shit lol. Anyway I was talking to kevin on the phone looking out at the mountains just relaxing. I lived in a high rise apartment downtown on the 9th floor. It was a warm day for Pittsburgh standards in Jan the high was about 66 degrees real nice. Well as I was on the phone with kevin I heard his window slam open and next thing you know he's flying out the window his body hit the building then the mail box then the ground he was dead on impact I think he died when his body hit the building though. I should of known he was going to do that. He said he was moving to vegas where he's from and there's going to be an investigation when he leaves by the police. Well he did every drug in the book. So I didn't think nothing of it. I went over to his house to smoke weed a few days before and it was like he was possessed he had all this writing on his wall in black marker. I thought something was up but then again with all the drugs he's on I didn't think nothing of it. I should of though. Then it was the night before he died. I had a routine at 9pm every night I was getting in the shower so I can hit the clubs for the night and about 8:30 pm he knocked on my door and he looked different I couldn't figure it out. So he wanted to know if I'd walk to the store with him and I said sure I bought him a pack of smokes we talked and he was acting normal for the most part. So I didn't think nothing of it. I asked him if he wanted to go to the club that was 18 and up and I'd pay for his cover and sneak him a few drinks from the bar since he was 19 and he was like no I'm going to stay home. So I'm like ok sure. I left and came back at 3:30am and he was blaring heavy metal I thought that was odd but ok sure. Then I went to bed woke up and left my place around 11am so I could do errands and his place was quiet so I figured he just maybe did a few lines of coke or smoked some weed or something and he crashed. So I didn't think anything of it. Do I wish I could of done something different yes but one positive thing came out of it. I moved to be with kevin so it worked out. There's tons of life lessons I learned from that. The main one is life can change at a blink of an eye there's always a reason for what happens and when things get fucked up in life. It will get better. I don't know why all this has happened it did for a reason and I'm sure there's more lessons to learn from it. Its just a matter of when it will come out and what you will do with what you know because how you apply it will make a difference