The Background and understanding of my mother part 2

So my mom has had this mental illness most of her life. She says it stems back from her childhood with abuse from her father. Overtime she I guess was normal or acted normal. I'm no doctor so I can't say much there. I think that was around her college years. Where her and her twin sister went to the same college. They are both into writing so I recall my mom saying she would travel to different places for writing stuff pretty much to my understanding from what she said it was like writing conferences or conventions. She seemed normal at that point. Why because she was away from her dad that did the abuse so she didn't need to put this protection thing on or have anything trigger emotions. Then I'm not sure if her sister was with her or not but my mom also took a trip to Orlando FL to visit disney world. Well there she mey my dad. At the time my mother was going to college in her Junior year getting something in education. Disney World is also the place where my mother met my father. My dad lived in St Louis at the time working for then Mc donnell Douglas which is now Boeing. They met and fell in love and like 9 months later or close to it they got married. She dropped out of college then so she could move to St. Louis to be with my dad. Looking on it now and after talks with my dad he feels and I have some belief in this that my mom married my dad to get away from her father and also since my dad had a good paying job she knew there was money there. During that time my dad said the she acted normal he knew about the abuse she had but seemed like everything was OK. He also felt at the time that she loved him. So they were married for a few years tried to have kids and that usually ended up in a miscarriage. Until one day I came along and when I was born everything changed. That's when my mom put up her defenses and mentally had a break down where she then viewed my dad as her dad that's an abuser. So she became crazy and very overprotective of me in some ways and to the point I was being brain washed that my dad is bad and evil and he's going to kill me. All this while we had a picture perfect show family where we hide behind religion and say we have morals and values while we actually do the actions we speak out about. Over the years it got worse she would go to church one day and at times slept with a few guys along the way while still married to my dad and always telling me sex outside of marriage is wrong and I've only slept with your father and that's it. When I know differently from me having the grief of seeing what's up along with my moms loud mouth sister that would always say who my mother was sleeping with and of course calling my father and telling him when and who she's been with. So he knew and of course I knew from multiple sources even when they were separated and got back together it was all the same thing. And as she did this she would get further into hiding behind being a christian and that's problem what has always had issues with churches all my life. The reason why she did that was so she can further separate herself from her father since she said her father worshiped the devil I honestly don't know how true that is but both her and her sister claim that. So now we know why she did this and still does. Its part of her mental illness and since she was abused hiding behind god makes her feel protected. So growing up as a kid was hard for that since because I didn't know what was right or wrong or able to be spiritual because of this. That was my mental protection and probley to some extent now. You see I would hear her say one thing and do things one way just to see her actions do something else and if I do that something else myself that she did she was quick to pull out the bible and quote bible verses on how that's wrong. So when your a child and hear your father is going to kill you all your life. You hear your mom say one thing and do another. Your going to be one fucked up child mentally and even as an adult if you don't get in touch with your soul. Anyways her function at best I have to say is when I was a child. I mean I look at her life now and when I was a kid she was mentally best and functioning when she had me as a kid. Now it could be debated that she was able to live out her childhood through me or tried to. Or she was ment to be a mother and that was her life job was to raise me. Or I was something for her protection that she can control to a point where that was her comfort since she couldn't control anything in her life mentally but me. I'm not sure and I can't answer that one. Only her and god can answer that. Now the other issue with her mental illness is she loves attention and if she can add god or a christian to the mix then its even better. Especially since to her being a christian is a safety net for her or comfort zone. Where its like a club for her where she treats church and people that are christian are like a christian club or something. One thing she always uses for attention was hunger. When she separated and me and her moved to Boston and we got our own place she signed up for every food bank there was. We went to every salvation army dinner there was and food places like that for the homeless and needy while having food stamps section 8 Mass health which is the medicaid program for that state. All at the same time having family that was also her blood family helping us out all the time. Having my aunt mimi break her off money while getting money in alimony and child support with cash assistance while having a part time job. So we didn't need the dinner thing and food banks then at all. But I didn't know any better since I was like 8 years old back then. I think that's also a protective feeling she used for her mental illness. For example right now she does the same thing she's always saying she's hungry all the time and like she ate like a ban anna today and she's going to have an orange for dinner and then asking me if I'm eating well. Also she was able to get on food stamps and not tell me about it during her calls to me and she finally one day somehow said she got food stamps and she got a letter saying she had to renew and she's starving and she didn't renew because she couldn't risk her car breaking down. At the time I thought she had her car from like 1988 she got shortly after she got divorced. Then she told me or slipped out that her car was a 2002 model. So she got kicked off her food stamps. She also lives in a multi level town house with a basement because she has a lot of stuff she can't get rid over that more than what she can afford per month. Then when my dad got cancer she was claiming she has every cancer in the book and that every time she prayed and god healed her. Now I'm not dis crediting god but its amazing on how many times that happened. It was the same story why. That's because she lost people because they can't handle her mental illness and she need that attention to survive. Now everyone wants to get her help but like I've said in the other postings she feels she's normal even though deep down I thick she knows something is wrong with her as I know from personal experience I wouldn't admit my brain injuries but deep down I knew all along. There's not a time a can picture my mother not in my life and when she's gone whenever that is ill be extremely sad but know deep down her soul is a good soul and know that I love her no matter what and who doesn't like her. She's my mother and despite the effects she has caused from her mental defects overall its not her fault and if I can forgive her anyone can its now just a matter of her of waking up and her being able to get the help she needs and be able to build new relationships and work on the old relationships she lost because no human soul needs to be alone we all need somebody.