Being Outted

One thing I would say about forgiveness is life always brings you curves where you have to do so. The person in my life my cousin well call her Becky (not using her real name for her private reasons) Me and Becky were close I didn't meet her until I was 16. She was living in San Francisco. So there was quite a distance but we talked on the phone almost everyday we had that special bond. Me and my dad would look after her mom and check up on her and would spend nights in the hospital waiting room and I'd be on the phone with her letting her know what's up. We shared secrets that we would hide between the family about one another it was fucking awesome. Until one day she be trade me. She was the only one in the family that knew that I'm gay. I was living in Maryland at the time was just getting. Started in my relationship with kevin and I was just really getting to know my dad and I was also dealing with accepting on myself being a gay man. I was 21 years old at the time so I was a young adult also. One day I was on the phone with her and I told her that I met kevin I think he's the one I'm going to Merry. Now keep in mind at that time it was when gay marriage just became legal in Mass and nowhere else. So she told my aunt ill call her Aunt Joan anyways After Becky told Aunt Joan. Aunt Joan tells my dad$ so I get an Email from my dad going in detail everything I told Becky. I knew Becky was involved from the start because no one I knew or hung around with talked to my family. So I had to call my dad and it wasn't good. My dad pretty much disowned me because he feels that being gay is wrong and he doesn't want to go to hell for me being gay and just some crazy shit. So then I called my cousin Becky and she didn't answer her phone So I left a voice mail just saying hey I need some advise I talked with my dad and he's acting strange what should I do. I never said I knew she outted me. So then 2 weeks pass and I still never heard from Becky so Becky knew I knew and she didn't want to explain to me why she did what she did and that she's sorry. So I would of forgave her but no. So ever since then I really never talked to her again to this day. Now it took me years to forgive her but I finally came around. So if she called me I would talk to her especially since now she's going through health problems. The reason why we still haven't talked and became close again is that Becky never forgave herself and when you can't forgive yourself over something you can't ask for forgiveness for yourself. Now my dad on the other hand is much different. We didn't talk for well over a year if we did it was litterly hi and bye a 30 second phone call just to make sure we both were alive. Because of all the hate that my dad brought to me at that point since he was homophobic we had a major fallout. Then one day in June right before his birthday I got a call I looked at my phone and it was my dad. Now I didn't talk to him for months then. So when I saw his number on caller I.D. I automatically thought oh what the fuck do you want asshole. But something told me to answer the phone which I did and when I said hello I heard a panic in his voice and he was scared so I heard something was wrong. Then he said Jake I have cancer and I was thrown back. I just froze I didn't know what to say. Then he said it again and I was like holy shit the person that's always been strong I've never seen this man have something happen to him did. I then felt bad and guilty we had this fallout. So we talked a bit he told me what made them think to start testing him. And he said he was sorry. The cancer caused us to become close again and sadly it took cancer for him to forgive himself for the hate he had in his heart. I could see that from talking to him. Of course my bitterness didn't leave overnight but I was able to allow him back into my life with open arms because he was able to forgive himself to make way for me to forgive him. I'm sad we lost that time we could of had together but I can't look back on that as I have forgiven him and moved on to build on that relationship we didn't and we missed. But to be honest with you even though there was a lot of shit going on it was a relief for him to know. I was going to come out to him and we both agreed ed I should of told him but we were glad its over that was a dark past we had. One thing I've learned about being outted is it was horrible to go through but after everything was said in done. It was a relief to have that hidden secret out and over with as it was tearing me up inside. Also as I look at my life as a gay adult it does get better the older you get being gay. You just have to make it through your teen years and sometimes young adult years to really be the person you are and know life is great and normal like everyone else. Don't wait and let a bad tragedy bring you together it will be alright for both of you. As for Becky if she can forgive herself then that's all she has to do because I already forgave her and if she ever wanted to contact me and talk about it I'm here and if not that's cool as I can respect that and wish Becky the best in life as she will always have a place in my heart if she ever needed me or we one day could rebuild our relationship since life is short.